Love.

I need to constantly read this quote now-a-days.

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable."
— C.S. Lewis (The Four Loves)

My struggle.

Everyday, with every breath, with every ounce of strength that I have - all I want to do is hear your voice.

But because I love you, and respect you, I dig down deep and find the tiniest bit of strength that I didn't know I had - and I suffer alone.

For Miles

I know one day, all our scars will disappear, like the stars at dawn
And all of our pain, will fade away when morning comes
And on that day when we look backwards We will see, that everything is changed
And all of our trials, will be as milestones on the way

And as long as we live, every scar is a bridge to someone's broken heart
And there's no greater love, than that one shed his blood for his friends

On that day all of the scales will swing to set all the wrongs to right
All our tears, and all of our fears will take to flight
But until then all of our scars will still remain, but we've learned that if we'll
Open the wounds and share them then soon they start to heal

(As long as we live, we are bridges to someone broken heart
There's no greater love, shed your blood for your friends)

We must see that every scar is a bridge, and as long as we live
We must open up these wounds
When some one stands in your shoes and will shed his own blood
There's no greater love. we must open up our wounds

Safe Under the Covers.

I remember when I was a kid I would crawl into bed, pull the covers over my head and wish that I could stay there forever. I knew that at some point my alarm would go off and I would be forced to leave the safety of my bed - but I also knew that while I was in there under the covers nothing could hurt me. It's not that I was afraid of being hurt physically, bumps and bruises and scrapes would always heal - it was the emotional pain I didn't want to have to deal with.

My dad left when I was two, I distinctly remember standing at the front door, my mom was bawling as my dad walked away as if he didn't even care. For years I hoped my dad would show up, wrap me in his arms and tell me how much he loved me. Every birthday I would crawl onto the couch and look through the blinds waiting for him to show up - he never did. Sure he could pick me up sometimes and do stuff with me, and of course years later he would blame my mom for why he never came but I always knew that if he really cared he would have fought to see me.

This year my dad didn't call me on my birthday, I didn't get a card from him - actually all I got was him deleting me from his friends list on FaceBook. I put on a face like it doesn't affect me, but it does. He was the first person I cared about to walk out on me.

For the next twelve years of my life I didn't let anyone in, I locked my heart away and wouldn't trust anyone - until Roger. I accepted Christ for the first time truly and personally when I was fourteen - Roger led me to Christ and he was the youth pastor at the church I started going to. We had this class called "The Basics" where you would learn the basics of the Christian faith and develop a strong foundation to grow from. Every week Roger and I would meet and he would take me through this class and I opened up, for the first time since I was two I fully and wholly trusted someone. One day Roger sat down across from me and was silent. After about a year of meeting with me and telling me that he wouldn't walk out on me he looked me in the eye and said he was leaving. He said he wanted me to know before anyone else because he wanted me to know that he wasn't leaving me, but following Gods calling on his life. We talked about it for a good hour, and while I told him I understood and respected the fact that he was being an example to us all of what it looks like to follow God, I was secretly hurt. Once again I let someone in and they walked out on me, and while I truly did understand and respect his decision - it didn't hurt any less.

Years would go by and I would learn to only trust God, to not really open myself up and to play my cards close to my chest.

I won't go into all the details here, honestly I'm not ready to. But for the past couple of days I have crawled into bed, pulled the covers over my head and stayed there until I absolutely had to get up. Basically what it comes down to is that instead of taking those emotional scars in my life and learning from them and turning them into something positive, I allowed them to ruin something and hurt an incredible person - my entire world has flipped upside down.

Now here I am, I'm realizing these things and making some real progress - but the truth is that it's too late. I don't deserve forgiveness from this person, I don't deserve another chance - and I'm not going to get it. I truly can't wrap my head around it, but I'm forcing myself to accept it. I can't hide my hurt this time, but I can hide myself under my covers.

Blanket of Ghosts

I've got a feeling, it's hard to explain
Feels like the devil rents a room in my brain
The things im ashamed of feel like dear old Saint Paul
The things that I wanna do, I don't do at all

So bury me deep, cover me with snow
Wrap me in sleep, blanket of ghosts

The spirit is willing, but the flesh is so weak
I wanna kiss her lips, but I kissed her cheek
Just hear my request, give this one unfair weight
Please take me home before it's too late

Bury me deep, cover me with snow
Wrap me in sleep, blanket of ghosts

Wake me when it's spring time in heaven
When the tears are all wiped from my face
Wake me when it's spring time in heaven
When I'm strong enough to walk in that place

The Pursuit Of God

"O God, I have tasted Thy goodness, and it has both satisfied me and made me thirsty for more. I am painfully conscious of my need for further grace. I am ashamed of my lack of desire. O God, the Triune God, I want to want Thee; I long to be filled with longing; I thirst to be made more thirsty still. Show me Thy glory, I pray Thee, so that I may know Thee indeed. Begin in mercy a new work of love within me. Say to my soul, ‘Rise up my love, my fair one, and come away.’ Then give me grace to rise and follow Thee up from this misty lowland where I have wandered so long."
— A.W. Tozer

Blame.

I know I usually write blogs that are motivational and inspirational - but this isn't one of them. Over the past month I've had a major revelation about who I am and where I want to be. I just need to write about it.

I don't know why it's taken me this long to realize this, but the hardest advice to swallow is my own. For years I've been the guy that everyone goes to when they have a problem, your relationship is in trouble? I've got guidance for that - You're struggling with your faith? Here's some scripture and practical advice. I was confident in guiding others, and I truly believe God has given me a gift to counsel - But underneath it all there I was, blind to my own advice, slowly falling apart - and I didn't even see it.

For years I blamed others for my shortcomings, if I blew something there was always a reason why it wasn't my fault. If that instructor had been more committed to his teaching I would have gotten a better grade. If my supervisor wouldn't have been such a jerk I wouldn't be having such a hard time at work - but what kind of advice would have have given to someone else in my position? "Eric, you can only control yourself - You are in full control of the things you do, say and believe. If you really wanted a good grade in that class - you wouldn't have even needed an instructor and if you were working the hardest you could all the time, taking pride in your work - you wouldn't have to worry about a bad supervisor", but who's advice did I listen to? No ones. I couldn't do wrong. I couldn't make a mistake. It was always someone else's fault - and I slowly dug myself deeper and deeper.

Lately I've had a lot of time to reflect, a lot of time to really sit back and analyze myself. And while I've come up with a million reasons why I've acted that way, the truth still remains - I've acted that way.

The other day I wrote down a list of things that were holding me back from being the man that I've always wanted to be. I sat down in a quiet place and carefully and prayerfully considered all of these things and what caused them. After going through my responses I realized something, none of these problems were caused by anyone but me, but for my entire life I've been living like it's okay that I do these dumb things because so and so let me down twenty years ago - I've been absolutely foolish.

I know that hindsight is 20/20, and looking back on the past four years of my life I really wish I would have done a lot of things differently. I've let a lot of people down and at best I've become a lukewarm Christian. I lay in bed at night and watch my ceiling fan spin and just think about all of the damage I've done, and while I think that love and hate are the two strongest words in the english language - I hate what I've done. I've taken the most precious gifts that God has ever given me and completely abused them. I know that I can't go back in time - I really can't figure out the whole flux-capacitor thing - but I can change things from here on out.