Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . .
And the Master so gently said, "Wait."
"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.
"My future and all to which I relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign.
"You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply."
Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
As my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?"
He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . .
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.
"I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.
"You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence are all you can see.
"You'd never experience the fullness of love
When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.
"The glow of my comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.
"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you.
"So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait."
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
The Little Boy
"Something's wrong man, I can't explain it but something's wrong." my friend says as he sits across from me at a crappy overhyped coffee shop. He's wearing basketball shorts, a basketball jersey and some soccer sandals. His beard is rough like he's been stuck on a deserted island for months and didn't have time to shave and he slowly glides his fingers through the hairs as if the answers are hidden somewhere underneath. "What do you mean?", I say as if I have no idea what he's talking about - yet truthfully I've been there, I know - I know exactly how he feels.
People always come to me with their problems, lately I've had a friend that has been struggling in his marriage coming to me frequently - why me? I don't know. If I were him I'd take a step back and think "Man, this guy is like six years older than me, single and blew a great relationship - why on earth would I seek relationship advice from him?" yet he and others often do. I used to embrace it, I would invite them over or go meet them and talk about it and give them advice - anytime a friend was a need I was there. Several months ago it started to bug me, I didn't want anything to do with anyone - I was incredibly critical and was struggling so much with my own demons that I couldn't wrap my mind around why anyone would want to get advice from me, or talk to me about their problems - I was swimming in my own. I shut down. I closed myself off to everyone. I became cold and hard. In essence my transformation was complete, I had spend so much time being cold to those that loved me most that my heart finally petrified, it became useless even to me.
There's a C.S. Lewis quote that I've always loved, it describes vulnerability perfectly. See the truth is that only when you're vulnerable can you truly love, at the same time that is when you can be hurt the most - let me let him say is:
"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable."
See, I embraced this quote - I made it my own and claimed that this is how I live, but deep down there was part of me that I let no one in on - not even those closest to me. I was hurt when I was a kid, not physically - but emotionally I was hurt. I took that little boy that had been hurt and I put him somewhere safe in my heart - somewhere that no one could ever hurt him again. I thought I was doing the right thing. I thought I was being safe. The truth is that I was doing much more damage than I ever could have thought, cause by locking that little boy away like that I wasn't protecting him - I was preserving him. I was trapping him in that pain and that hurt and not allowing him to heal. The worst part was that I could either spend my life ignoring that and never fully being vulnerable to someone, or unlock the little boy from the pain and hurt and go through it all over again to work through it and finally be whole. Something was wrong deep inside, I just didn't know what it was.
See it took me ruining a good thing for my heart to become completely rock solid. Normally this is it, a hardened, petrified heart has no use for anyone. These are the Ebenezer Scrooges that can't find joy or love or happiness in anything. They spend their whole lives focused on themselves and caring about no one else, bitter, angry - that's exactly where I was. I secluded myself from everyone and wanted nothing to do with anyone. When someone would call cause they needed help the call would ring off to voicemail where a message would be left that would most likely not be returned. I stayed awake, not doing anything - I would often just lay in my bed. I would go to work, do my job and go home. I reached out to people a couple of times, but they weren't there for me, God didn't want them to be - cause I needed to turn to Him. Then one day - I broke. I prayed, I sought God, I let the little boy out and something incredible happened. God started working in me. It was like Christ finally had that spot in my heart that He was waiting for me to open up - and He ran with it. I noticed a change in my mood, my outlook - I wanted to be around other people, I wanted to be there for them again - my heart softened.
There I sat across from my friend, telling me how his marriage is doing well on the surface yet it is struggling at its core and that he is struggling with who he is at his core. I've heard this story before - not the exact same one, but I've lived one just like it. "I know exactly what you mean.", I said. "Let me tell you what happened."
People always come to me with their problems, lately I've had a friend that has been struggling in his marriage coming to me frequently - why me? I don't know. If I were him I'd take a step back and think "Man, this guy is like six years older than me, single and blew a great relationship - why on earth would I seek relationship advice from him?" yet he and others often do. I used to embrace it, I would invite them over or go meet them and talk about it and give them advice - anytime a friend was a need I was there. Several months ago it started to bug me, I didn't want anything to do with anyone - I was incredibly critical and was struggling so much with my own demons that I couldn't wrap my mind around why anyone would want to get advice from me, or talk to me about their problems - I was swimming in my own. I shut down. I closed myself off to everyone. I became cold and hard. In essence my transformation was complete, I had spend so much time being cold to those that loved me most that my heart finally petrified, it became useless even to me.
There's a C.S. Lewis quote that I've always loved, it describes vulnerability perfectly. See the truth is that only when you're vulnerable can you truly love, at the same time that is when you can be hurt the most - let me let him say is:
"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable."
See, I embraced this quote - I made it my own and claimed that this is how I live, but deep down there was part of me that I let no one in on - not even those closest to me. I was hurt when I was a kid, not physically - but emotionally I was hurt. I took that little boy that had been hurt and I put him somewhere safe in my heart - somewhere that no one could ever hurt him again. I thought I was doing the right thing. I thought I was being safe. The truth is that I was doing much more damage than I ever could have thought, cause by locking that little boy away like that I wasn't protecting him - I was preserving him. I was trapping him in that pain and that hurt and not allowing him to heal. The worst part was that I could either spend my life ignoring that and never fully being vulnerable to someone, or unlock the little boy from the pain and hurt and go through it all over again to work through it and finally be whole. Something was wrong deep inside, I just didn't know what it was.
See it took me ruining a good thing for my heart to become completely rock solid. Normally this is it, a hardened, petrified heart has no use for anyone. These are the Ebenezer Scrooges that can't find joy or love or happiness in anything. They spend their whole lives focused on themselves and caring about no one else, bitter, angry - that's exactly where I was. I secluded myself from everyone and wanted nothing to do with anyone. When someone would call cause they needed help the call would ring off to voicemail where a message would be left that would most likely not be returned. I stayed awake, not doing anything - I would often just lay in my bed. I would go to work, do my job and go home. I reached out to people a couple of times, but they weren't there for me, God didn't want them to be - cause I needed to turn to Him. Then one day - I broke. I prayed, I sought God, I let the little boy out and something incredible happened. God started working in me. It was like Christ finally had that spot in my heart that He was waiting for me to open up - and He ran with it. I noticed a change in my mood, my outlook - I wanted to be around other people, I wanted to be there for them again - my heart softened.
There I sat across from my friend, telling me how his marriage is doing well on the surface yet it is struggling at its core and that he is struggling with who he is at his core. I've heard this story before - not the exact same one, but I've lived one just like it. "I know exactly what you mean.", I said. "Let me tell you what happened."
Monday, December 12, 2011
As it Stands.
Everything I have in mindIt begins to fade away,
I searched for it and I longed for it
And now I know it's gone
Everything has slipped away.
And I'm so overwhelmed
Everything that rests upon my shoulders fell
I would like to tell anyone who has depended on me for themselves,
I'm sorry.
And everyone I've held in my arms
I believe I've pushed away,
I would be there if I could be there
But as it stands, I'm gone
Everyone has slipped away.
Don't be overwhelmed
Everyone that loved me more than I could tell,
I'm sorry.
There's a private hell for anyone who lives to only love themselves.
Everyone has slipped away,
Everyone has slipped away,
Everyone has slipped away,
Everything has slipped away.
Everyone has slipped away,
Everything has slipped away.
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Christmas.
So today I went to Target to do some Christmas shopping. As I was walking around doing my best to stay in step with the subliminal SPEND MORE MONEY Christmas music I couldn't help but notice all of the incredibly happy, smiling faces surrounding me. Okay, so there were no smiling faces - actually as I walked past the plethora of Christmas decorations and that wonderful little machine that has about fifty different Christmas albums that you can choose from for your listening pleasure I watched no less that seven women pushing shopping carts with the the most incredible look of hatred completely saturating their faces, at this moment it became brutally clear to me how completely consumed we have all become with this "season".
I hate Christmas. I know, I know - hate is a strong word, but to be completely honest I think it is completely applicable for this situation. While I could easily go through all of the historical and biblical inaccuracies with "Christmas" (wrong time of year, moved to replace a pagan winter festival) my biggest issue with it is the strong (understatement) commercialization of a holiday that is (meant) to celebrate the birth of our Savior.
As I watched these women walking around with this look on their face as if their souls had literally been sucked out of them it pulled me down. I was at Target checking out the prices for a "Wii". My Mom has wanted one for years and I want to get he something that will really make her happy. At the moment I saw these women and realized why I was there it really bummed me out. I'm not materialistic at all, I often tell people "If you must get me a present just grab the first thing that you see and makes you think 'Man, Eric would like this.', that'll stoke me out" - but I know that not everyone is like that - most people aren't like that. I know that my Mom won't be happy with a mediocre Christmas present, I've experienced her outrage when I get her something from my heart instead of something from her list. That is what society has taught us, and we've gobbled it up.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to knock my mom or anyone like her - She has given and given and given for years and I think she fully deserves to receive for once, but when it comes down to it the focus for this season is dripping with commercialism and it's hard to find Jesus anywhere. I know we hear this every year but the truth is that for most of us, it never sinks in.
Lately I've been having some crazy thoughts, I know once I write them and you read them they won't sound crazy at all - but if you were to post these things in a mall, people would just laugh at them. What if we were to take all of the money we spend on Christmas ($700 per person is the average) and give it to a charity? I mean I hear of charities that can easily feed 100 children for a full month for only $100 - for $700 dollars you could feed several villages of adults and children for a full month. If twelve of us got together we could feed several villages for a full year! There are 245MILLION257THOUSAND292 adults in the US today. In a world where some can't even afford to keep themselves hydrated we spend $171,687,104,400 on Christmas presents alone in the US. That's more than 245.26 times THE ENTIRE POPULATION OF THE WORLD! That said, if we were to ALL donate our "Christmas" money to feeding the needy FOR ONE YEAR we could easily feed the ENTIRE WORLD POPULATION OF 2011 FOR 20 years and then through May of the 21st year.
Yes, that is all crazy talk - I digress.
Cause no matter how much anyone says about how incredibly corrupt this holiday has become or how easily we have taken the focus off of Jesus - we will all (including myself out shopping for a Wii) continue to perpetuate the problem. Change is an option, I only hope that my future wife and I am strong enough to live it and I hope the same for you as well.
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Is talk cheap?
Talk is cheap. You hear it all the time, I guess that's why you hear it so much - cause if it had value to it like, say ... time (or so they say), then people would probably save it. While I do believe that actions speak profoundly louder than words, I feel as if we live in a society where talk is abused so much we start to forget how much power it really holds.
When I was growing up I would often hear the saying "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me." I even said it a few times, the truth though was that words did hurt - they still do, probably more than a stick or a stone ever could.
Now when I sit and think about the negative power of words and how forgetful I have become of how it feels to have someone speaking to you not out of love, I can't help but think about the power of positive words in the opposite direction. What if I spent a little more time encouraging those around me and sitting down and talking with someone that's going through a rough time? What kind of power is in that?
I recently had a patient tell me that she was bored and lonely, I had asked her if there was anything I could do for her and she told me that if there was a drug I could give her to help with her boredom and loneliness she would gladly accept it, I told her I'd be back in two minutes. When I came back I didn't have any medicine, but I had a chair and a 30 minute break, exactly what she needed. Over the next couple of weeks I would come in early and stay late talking with her, she was in her 80s so we would talk about her youth and her love for dancing and plants and then when I brought her a plant she started crying. There's power in listening too. A few days later she went home, not to be with the Lord - but to be with her daughters, and the physician came up to me to thank me. Now in full disclosure the main reason I started spending time with her was to get away from my Charge Nurse trying to find busy work for me at the end of my shift, but what this doctor said really opened my eyes - "We were sure she was going to have to go to a rehabilitation facility because she wasn't thriving here, but once you starting talking to her something changed, she became more active - she said she wanted to get healthy so she could dance again cause you said you'd take her dancing if she was able. Your words and time turned this lady's prognosis completely around." This blew my mind.
I don't know how or why I became so cynical or aggressive or negative, but if my positive words were able to have that big of an effect I can only imagine what my negative words did, and I want to be proactive in the positive now.
When I was growing up I would often hear the saying "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me." I even said it a few times, the truth though was that words did hurt - they still do, probably more than a stick or a stone ever could.
Now when I sit and think about the negative power of words and how forgetful I have become of how it feels to have someone speaking to you not out of love, I can't help but think about the power of positive words in the opposite direction. What if I spent a little more time encouraging those around me and sitting down and talking with someone that's going through a rough time? What kind of power is in that?
I recently had a patient tell me that she was bored and lonely, I had asked her if there was anything I could do for her and she told me that if there was a drug I could give her to help with her boredom and loneliness she would gladly accept it, I told her I'd be back in two minutes. When I came back I didn't have any medicine, but I had a chair and a 30 minute break, exactly what she needed. Over the next couple of weeks I would come in early and stay late talking with her, she was in her 80s so we would talk about her youth and her love for dancing and plants and then when I brought her a plant she started crying. There's power in listening too. A few days later she went home, not to be with the Lord - but to be with her daughters, and the physician came up to me to thank me. Now in full disclosure the main reason I started spending time with her was to get away from my Charge Nurse trying to find busy work for me at the end of my shift, but what this doctor said really opened my eyes - "We were sure she was going to have to go to a rehabilitation facility because she wasn't thriving here, but once you starting talking to her something changed, she became more active - she said she wanted to get healthy so she could dance again cause you said you'd take her dancing if she was able. Your words and time turned this lady's prognosis completely around." This blew my mind.
I don't know how or why I became so cynical or aggressive or negative, but if my positive words were able to have that big of an effect I can only imagine what my negative words did, and I want to be proactive in the positive now.
Monday, December 5, 2011
Awake
You know how people wake up from nightmares in the movies where the sit up straight, sweaty, gasping for air? That's how I woke up the other night only it wasn't waking up from a nightmare but into one. Okay, I don't mean to sound dramatic or emo - so let me explain.
When I woke up the other night I had that feeling of reality slapping me in the face, it was as if everything I've been fooling myself into believing for the past year or so, maybe even more was finally fully revealed by the light. Somewhere along the line I started to believe that I was good enough, that I was strong enough to do it on my own, that I didn't need anyone else to tell me how to live my life. Unfortunately, I had someone trying to give me good advice all along and I was much too prideful to listen to it. Almost instinctively I grabbed my phone and texted this person, "Are you awake?" - I guess I just wanted to say thank you for always telling me I should maintain a better sleeping pattern, something I have come to realize lately while my lack of sleep has caused me to become a person and act in ways that's just flat out scary. I guess I also wanted to say thank you for always encouraging me to grow more and more in my faith. Somewhere along the line I felt like I was satisfied with where I was and I'm only now coming to realize how far away I am from where I was - I need to get back to that. I guess there were just a million things about which I wanted to say "You were right, and I wish I would have seen that sooner", not because it would have changed anything between us but because I can only imagine where I would be now had I listened. The truth though is that I probably would have had no idea how to put any of it into words - to be honest I still don't, as I proof-read what I've already written it seems like a jumbled mess of confusion.
The problem has been that I keep realizing things and then going "Man, that sucks - I wish I could change this" and then I do nothing or trying to take it all into my own hands and "fix" things. The sad part is that that's not me, I've always been very pro-active and forward moving, seeking God and relying on Him where he wants me to - I need to harness that again. It's not something I can do on my own and it's not something that anyone here can help me with, but God can and He wants to - and I finally want Him to.
When I woke up the other night I had that feeling of reality slapping me in the face, it was as if everything I've been fooling myself into believing for the past year or so, maybe even more was finally fully revealed by the light. Somewhere along the line I started to believe that I was good enough, that I was strong enough to do it on my own, that I didn't need anyone else to tell me how to live my life. Unfortunately, I had someone trying to give me good advice all along and I was much too prideful to listen to it. Almost instinctively I grabbed my phone and texted this person, "Are you awake?" - I guess I just wanted to say thank you for always telling me I should maintain a better sleeping pattern, something I have come to realize lately while my lack of sleep has caused me to become a person and act in ways that's just flat out scary. I guess I also wanted to say thank you for always encouraging me to grow more and more in my faith. Somewhere along the line I felt like I was satisfied with where I was and I'm only now coming to realize how far away I am from where I was - I need to get back to that. I guess there were just a million things about which I wanted to say "You were right, and I wish I would have seen that sooner", not because it would have changed anything between us but because I can only imagine where I would be now had I listened. The truth though is that I probably would have had no idea how to put any of it into words - to be honest I still don't, as I proof-read what I've already written it seems like a jumbled mess of confusion.
The problem has been that I keep realizing things and then going "Man, that sucks - I wish I could change this" and then I do nothing or trying to take it all into my own hands and "fix" things. The sad part is that that's not me, I've always been very pro-active and forward moving, seeking God and relying on Him where he wants me to - I need to harness that again. It's not something I can do on my own and it's not something that anyone here can help me with, but God can and He wants to - and I finally want Him to.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Emotional.
I was a very emotional kid growing up. I don't know why, maybe it was because I never had my dad around while I was growing up telling me to be tougher and that men don't cry. Maybe it was because my mom worked in the medical field and I would always see her coming home emotional. Maybe it was because that's just who I am.
I remember when I was in fifth grade I had my first crush on this girl named Lauren. I guess I was always a hopeless romantic, cause even at that young age I wanted to marry this girl and spend the rest of my life with her. I would always do nice things for her, write her notes, defend her when people would say bad things about her - she didn't care. The last day of fifth grade I brought a little red journal for everyone to write in (since we didn't have yearbooks in elementary school) and I will never forget what she wrote: "Eric, I'm going to a different school than you next year so I will never see you again. Goodbye." I didn't see what she wrote until school was out. I remember walking out of class to that big tree in front of the school office, I pulled the journal out of my backpack and read it - as soon as I saw what she wrote I shoved it back into my backpack and ran home, it wasn't far - only 0.7 miles (I just looked it up) but as soon as I got home I locked the door to the empty house, dove face down onto the rough brown couch and cried for hours. My mom wouldn't get home until around nine at night and I remember going to the bathroom and washing my face off around 8:45 to make sure she couldn't tell I had been crying.
It's easy to think that I was young, and kids just have that kind of emotional response - but it extended far past my youth. When I was a freshman in high school I wore a tie to school one day and a bird pooped right on it. When I went to the bathroom to take off the tie and wash it I noticed my eyes were starting to well up - over bird poop on a tie. If the Eric of today would have been in that restroom with the Eric of then I would tell myself to suck it up, that it's just bird poop and it's just a tie - but I wasn't.
After that day, and playing football and toughening up I realized that I needed to control my emotions, I realized that men don't cry, I realized that I needed to suppress my emotions.
That was only perpetuated by my career choice, seeing suffering and death every day - dealing with high stress situations on a fairly consistent basis - it hardened me, and I thought this was a good thing. I now realize it's not.
See, there's a time and a place to express your emotions - I hardened myself, I sealed my emotional vault and wouldn't let anyone in. I wouldn't even tell the person closest to me when I was hurting, I wouldn't tell my best friend when I wanted to cry. I still felt the emotions, and I guess since I bottled them up and locked them away I felt them more often in places that truly were silly - like watching 50 First Dates or Click. I bottled them up and then let them blow up. Even though I was the one that always talked about letting stuff out before it blows up.
I hurt people. I hurt people close to me, people that will never be able to truly forgive me. All because I was blind to what I had become, and I was deaf to their words that tried to warn me of it. Now I must suffer the consequences.
It's very easy to be overwhelmed. It's very easy to wallow in my own self pity or my own self disappointment but where does that get me? Nowhere.
Being emotional isn't wrong. There is a such thing as being overly-emotional, but my solution was to be completely without emotion. I'm confident that my solution was the greater of the two evils.
Friday, August 19, 2011
The Weight
This song has really been on my heart lately. Even though I'm sure this song is simply a song from his heart about his relationship with his wife, I feel like Dustin is spot on in describing what a relationship motivated by true love really looks like.
Couples that love like this will have a long, successful relationship.
There’s many who’ll tell you they’ll give you their love, but when they say "give" they mean "take". They hang ‘round just like vultures 'til push comes to shove and take flight when the earth starts to shake.
Someone may say that they’ll always be true, then slip out the door ‘fore the dawn, but I won’t leave you hanging on.
Another may stay 'til they find someone new, then before you know they’ll be gone, but I won’t leave you hanging on.
No, I won’t won't be that someone.
And come what may, I won’t abandon you or leave you behind, because love is a loyalty sworn, not a burning for a moment.
Come what may, I will be standing right here by your side, I won’t run away, though the storm’s getting worse and there’s no end in sight.
Some talk of destiny, others of fate, but soon they’ll be saying goodbye, but I won’t leave you high and dry.
'Cause a ring don’t mean nothing if you can’t hold the weight, and some of them won’t even try, but I won’t leave you high and dry.
I won’t leave you wondering why.
And come what may, I won’t abandon you or leave you behind, because love is a loyalty sworn, not a burning for a moment.
Come what may, I will be standing right here by your side, I won’t run away, though the storm’s getting worse and there’s no end in sight.
And storms will surely come,
But true love is a choice you must make and you are the one.
That I have set my heart to choose
As long as I live, I swear I’ll see this through.
Come what may, I won’t abandon you or leave you behind,
Because love is a loyalty sworn, not a burning for a moment.
Come what may, I will be standing right here by your side,
I won’t run away, though the storm’s getting worse and I see no end.
Come what may, I won’t abandon you or leave you behind, because love is a loyalty sworn, not a burning for a moment.
Come what may, I will be standing right here by your side, I won’t run away, though the storm’s getting worse and there’s no end in sight.
Couples that love like this will have a long, successful relationship.
There’s many who’ll tell you they’ll give you their love, but when they say "give" they mean "take". They hang ‘round just like vultures 'til push comes to shove and take flight when the earth starts to shake.
Someone may say that they’ll always be true, then slip out the door ‘fore the dawn, but I won’t leave you hanging on.
Another may stay 'til they find someone new, then before you know they’ll be gone, but I won’t leave you hanging on.
No, I won’t won't be that someone.
And come what may, I won’t abandon you or leave you behind, because love is a loyalty sworn, not a burning for a moment.
Come what may, I will be standing right here by your side, I won’t run away, though the storm’s getting worse and there’s no end in sight.
Some talk of destiny, others of fate, but soon they’ll be saying goodbye, but I won’t leave you high and dry.
'Cause a ring don’t mean nothing if you can’t hold the weight, and some of them won’t even try, but I won’t leave you high and dry.
I won’t leave you wondering why.
And come what may, I won’t abandon you or leave you behind, because love is a loyalty sworn, not a burning for a moment.
Come what may, I will be standing right here by your side, I won’t run away, though the storm’s getting worse and there’s no end in sight.
And storms will surely come,
But true love is a choice you must make and you are the one.
That I have set my heart to choose
As long as I live, I swear I’ll see this through.
Come what may, I won’t abandon you or leave you behind,
Because love is a loyalty sworn, not a burning for a moment.
Come what may, I will be standing right here by your side,
I won’t run away, though the storm’s getting worse and I see no end.
Come what may, I won’t abandon you or leave you behind, because love is a loyalty sworn, not a burning for a moment.
Come what may, I will be standing right here by your side, I won’t run away, though the storm’s getting worse and there’s no end in sight.
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Love.
I need to constantly read this quote now-a-days.
"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable."
— C.S. Lewis (The Four Loves)
— C.S. Lewis (The Four Loves)
Saturday, July 23, 2011
My struggle.
Everyday, with every breath, with every ounce of strength that I have - all I want to do is hear your voice.
But because I love you, and respect you, I dig down deep and find the tiniest bit of strength that I didn't know I had - and I suffer alone.
But because I love you, and respect you, I dig down deep and find the tiniest bit of strength that I didn't know I had - and I suffer alone.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
For Miles
I know one day, all our scars will disappear, like the stars at dawn
And all of our pain, will fade away when morning comes
And on that day when we look backwards We will see, that everything is changed
And all of our trials, will be as milestones on the way
And as long as we live, every scar is a bridge to someone's broken heart
And there's no greater love, than that one shed his blood for his friends
On that day all of the scales will swing to set all the wrongs to right
All our tears, and all of our fears will take to flight
But until then all of our scars will still remain, but we've learned that if we'll
Open the wounds and share them then soon they start to heal
(As long as we live, we are bridges to someone broken heart
There's no greater love, shed your blood for your friends)
We must see that every scar is a bridge, and as long as we live
We must open up these wounds
When some one stands in your shoes and will shed his own blood
There's no greater love. we must open up our wounds
And all of our pain, will fade away when morning comes
And on that day when we look backwards We will see, that everything is changed
And all of our trials, will be as milestones on the way
And as long as we live, every scar is a bridge to someone's broken heart
And there's no greater love, than that one shed his blood for his friends
On that day all of the scales will swing to set all the wrongs to right
All our tears, and all of our fears will take to flight
But until then all of our scars will still remain, but we've learned that if we'll
Open the wounds and share them then soon they start to heal
(As long as we live, we are bridges to someone broken heart
There's no greater love, shed your blood for your friends)
We must see that every scar is a bridge, and as long as we live
We must open up these wounds
When some one stands in your shoes and will shed his own blood
There's no greater love. we must open up our wounds
Monday, July 18, 2011
Safe Under the Covers.
I remember when I was a kid I would crawl into bed, pull the covers over my head and wish that I could stay there forever. I knew that at some point my alarm would go off and I would be forced to leave the safety of my bed - but I also knew that while I was in there under the covers nothing could hurt me. It's not that I was afraid of being hurt physically, bumps and bruises and scrapes would always heal - it was the emotional pain I didn't want to have to deal with.
My dad left when I was two, I distinctly remember standing at the front door, my mom was bawling as my dad walked away as if he didn't even care. For years I hoped my dad would show up, wrap me in his arms and tell me how much he loved me. Every birthday I would crawl onto the couch and look through the blinds waiting for him to show up - he never did. Sure he could pick me up sometimes and do stuff with me, and of course years later he would blame my mom for why he never came but I always knew that if he really cared he would have fought to see me.
This year my dad didn't call me on my birthday, I didn't get a card from him - actually all I got was him deleting me from his friends list on FaceBook. I put on a face like it doesn't affect me, but it does. He was the first person I cared about to walk out on me.
For the next twelve years of my life I didn't let anyone in, I locked my heart away and wouldn't trust anyone - until Roger. I accepted Christ for the first time truly and personally when I was fourteen - Roger led me to Christ and he was the youth pastor at the church I started going to. We had this class called "The Basics" where you would learn the basics of the Christian faith and develop a strong foundation to grow from. Every week Roger and I would meet and he would take me through this class and I opened up, for the first time since I was two I fully and wholly trusted someone. One day Roger sat down across from me and was silent. After about a year of meeting with me and telling me that he wouldn't walk out on me he looked me in the eye and said he was leaving. He said he wanted me to know before anyone else because he wanted me to know that he wasn't leaving me, but following Gods calling on his life. We talked about it for a good hour, and while I told him I understood and respected the fact that he was being an example to us all of what it looks like to follow God, I was secretly hurt. Once again I let someone in and they walked out on me, and while I truly did understand and respect his decision - it didn't hurt any less.
Years would go by and I would learn to only trust God, to not really open myself up and to play my cards close to my chest.
I won't go into all the details here, honestly I'm not ready to. But for the past couple of days I have crawled into bed, pulled the covers over my head and stayed there until I absolutely had to get up. Basically what it comes down to is that instead of taking those emotional scars in my life and learning from them and turning them into something positive, I allowed them to ruin something and hurt an incredible person - my entire world has flipped upside down.
Now here I am, I'm realizing these things and making some real progress - but the truth is that it's too late. I don't deserve forgiveness from this person, I don't deserve another chance - and I'm not going to get it. I truly can't wrap my head around it, but I'm forcing myself to accept it. I can't hide my hurt this time, but I can hide myself under my covers.
My dad left when I was two, I distinctly remember standing at the front door, my mom was bawling as my dad walked away as if he didn't even care. For years I hoped my dad would show up, wrap me in his arms and tell me how much he loved me. Every birthday I would crawl onto the couch and look through the blinds waiting for him to show up - he never did. Sure he could pick me up sometimes and do stuff with me, and of course years later he would blame my mom for why he never came but I always knew that if he really cared he would have fought to see me.
This year my dad didn't call me on my birthday, I didn't get a card from him - actually all I got was him deleting me from his friends list on FaceBook. I put on a face like it doesn't affect me, but it does. He was the first person I cared about to walk out on me.
For the next twelve years of my life I didn't let anyone in, I locked my heart away and wouldn't trust anyone - until Roger. I accepted Christ for the first time truly and personally when I was fourteen - Roger led me to Christ and he was the youth pastor at the church I started going to. We had this class called "The Basics" where you would learn the basics of the Christian faith and develop a strong foundation to grow from. Every week Roger and I would meet and he would take me through this class and I opened up, for the first time since I was two I fully and wholly trusted someone. One day Roger sat down across from me and was silent. After about a year of meeting with me and telling me that he wouldn't walk out on me he looked me in the eye and said he was leaving. He said he wanted me to know before anyone else because he wanted me to know that he wasn't leaving me, but following Gods calling on his life. We talked about it for a good hour, and while I told him I understood and respected the fact that he was being an example to us all of what it looks like to follow God, I was secretly hurt. Once again I let someone in and they walked out on me, and while I truly did understand and respect his decision - it didn't hurt any less.
Years would go by and I would learn to only trust God, to not really open myself up and to play my cards close to my chest.
I won't go into all the details here, honestly I'm not ready to. But for the past couple of days I have crawled into bed, pulled the covers over my head and stayed there until I absolutely had to get up. Basically what it comes down to is that instead of taking those emotional scars in my life and learning from them and turning them into something positive, I allowed them to ruin something and hurt an incredible person - my entire world has flipped upside down.
Now here I am, I'm realizing these things and making some real progress - but the truth is that it's too late. I don't deserve forgiveness from this person, I don't deserve another chance - and I'm not going to get it. I truly can't wrap my head around it, but I'm forcing myself to accept it. I can't hide my hurt this time, but I can hide myself under my covers.
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Blanket of Ghosts
I've got a feeling, it's hard to explain
Feels like the devil rents a room in my brain
The things im ashamed of feel like dear old Saint Paul
The things that I wanna do, I don't do at all
So bury me deep, cover me with snow
Wrap me in sleep, blanket of ghosts
The spirit is willing, but the flesh is so weak
I wanna kiss her lips, but I kissed her cheek
Just hear my request, give this one unfair weight
Please take me home before it's too late
Bury me deep, cover me with snow
Wrap me in sleep, blanket of ghosts
Wake me when it's spring time in heaven
When the tears are all wiped from my face
Wake me when it's spring time in heaven
When I'm strong enough to walk in that place
Feels like the devil rents a room in my brain
The things im ashamed of feel like dear old Saint Paul
The things that I wanna do, I don't do at all
So bury me deep, cover me with snow
Wrap me in sleep, blanket of ghosts
The spirit is willing, but the flesh is so weak
I wanna kiss her lips, but I kissed her cheek
Just hear my request, give this one unfair weight
Please take me home before it's too late
Bury me deep, cover me with snow
Wrap me in sleep, blanket of ghosts
Wake me when it's spring time in heaven
When the tears are all wiped from my face
Wake me when it's spring time in heaven
When I'm strong enough to walk in that place
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
The Pursuit Of God
"O God, I have tasted Thy goodness, and it has both satisfied me and made me thirsty for more. I am painfully conscious of my need for further grace. I am ashamed of my lack of desire. O God, the Triune God, I want to want Thee; I long to be filled with longing; I thirst to be made more thirsty still. Show me Thy glory, I pray Thee, so that I may know Thee indeed. Begin in mercy a new work of love within me. Say to my soul, ‘Rise up my love, my fair one, and come away.’ Then give me grace to rise and follow Thee up from this misty lowland where I have wandered so long."
— A.W. Tozer
— A.W. Tozer
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Blame.
I know I usually write blogs that are motivational and inspirational - but this isn't one of them. Over the past month I've had a major revelation about who I am and where I want to be. I just need to write about it.
For years I blamed others for my shortcomings, if I blew something there was always a reason why it wasn't my fault. If that instructor had been more committed to his teaching I would have gotten a better grade. If my supervisor wouldn't have been such a jerk I wouldn't be having such a hard time at work - but what kind of advice would have have given to someone else in my position? "Eric, you can only control yourself - You are in full control of the things you do, say and believe. If you really wanted a good grade in that class - you wouldn't have even needed an instructor and if you were working the hardest you could all the time, taking pride in your work - you wouldn't have to worry about a bad supervisor", but who's advice did I listen to? No ones. I couldn't do wrong. I couldn't make a mistake. It was always someone else's fault - and I slowly dug myself deeper and deeper.
Lately I've had a lot of time to reflect, a lot of time to really sit back and analyze myself. And while I've come up with a million reasons why I've acted that way, the truth still remains - I've acted that way.
The other day I wrote down a list of things that were holding me back from being the man that I've always wanted to be. I sat down in a quiet place and carefully and prayerfully considered all of these things and what caused them. After going through my responses I realized something, none of these problems were caused by anyone but me, but for my entire life I've been living like it's okay that I do these dumb things because so and so let me down twenty years ago - I've been absolutely foolish.
I know that hindsight is 20/20, and looking back on the past four years of my life I really wish I would have done a lot of things differently. I've let a lot of people down and at best I've become a lukewarm Christian. I lay in bed at night and watch my ceiling fan spin and just think about all of the damage I've done, and while I think that love and hate are the two strongest words in the english language - I hate what I've done. I've taken the most precious gifts that God has ever given me and completely abused them. I know that I can't go back in time - I really can't figure out the whole flux-capacitor thing - but I can change things from here on out.
Monday, April 4, 2011
The Rules of Life.
Life has rules. I'm not talking about laws, or morals or anything else we're explicitly told we can or can not do - I'm simply talking about the things that are expected of us on a daily basis that influence our decisions. It can be anything from what kinds of things we should eat for breakfast, to how far away from our parents we should move once we start our own families. There have got to be millions of these little unspoken rules that we follow without question daily, and I'm convinced that we don't truly live until we break them.
Think about the last time that you did something truly spontaneous, when you really threw caution to the wind and lived in the moment - are these not the moments that live in your memory forever? Are these not the moments where you truly feel alive?
The other day a friend wanted to meet up for lunch, I had the most epic and disgusting sunburn on my face - it truly looked like my face was falling off and to be honest I didn't even want to leave the house I was so embarrassed, but after some arguing with myself I decided to go and meet up with her. The plan was just to get some lunch and talk and then head back home to basque in my own self pity - that is, that was what the rules of life told me I should do. After we had lunch we walked around for a bit and decided to watch a movie - "The Adjustment Bureau" - it sucked, then we walked around a bit more and decided to get some frozen yogurt. Once we finished our yogurt my usually quiet, proper friend pretty much cut me off mid-sentence and said "Let's go do something. I don't care what, let's just do something". While this is pretty much the way I live my life, this very much isn't the way my friend lives - so without hesitation I stood up and we were off. We got in my truck and before I even got out of the parking lot I announced we were going to the beach.
After about an hour on the freeway we got to the beach. It was just after sunset and was probably about 72 degrees as our bare feet touched the cool sand. A few steps in I looked over and my friend was hopping around like a kangaroo with excitement ( This isn't a metaphor, she was literally hopping like a kangaroo ). We walked straight to the waters edge and without any hesitation she walked straight into the water. Now if this was one of the usual suspects I associate with it wouldn't surprise me - but as I watched this timid, quiet, always proper mannered girl come out of the water soaking wet and as giddy as a school girl I knew, she was ignoring the rules of life and she was truly living.
See, we could have easily decided to just head our separate ways after lunch and I could have gone home and stared at my face in the mirror for the rest of the day - but when I got home, completely exhausted I knew that on this day - I truly lived.
At the time I didn't think much of it, but looking back on it I can only think that maybe if I did things like this more often I would be happier. Not that I'm not happy now, but what if every day was an adventure? Sometimes I feel like when I was a kid I was put into a kayak and told that the place I want to be is upstream. I was given the tools and strength and knowledge to fight the rapids and spend most of the rest of my life fighting the current to get to this mythical destination that will ultimately lead to joy and happiness, and while I usually paddle away up the stream hoping to find this land of glory - every once in a while I turn the boat around, tempt fate, and live - that is until the rules of life make me decide to turn back around and fight back upstream. Is it crazy to think that maybe I should just go with the flow, enjoy the ride and live an adventure? Does the man that lives his life with reckless abandonment, ignoring these rules of life eventually find himself in ruin, or living life the way God intended it?
I truly don't know the answer, but I'm willing to risk it.
Think about the last time that you did something truly spontaneous, when you really threw caution to the wind and lived in the moment - are these not the moments that live in your memory forever? Are these not the moments where you truly feel alive?
The other day a friend wanted to meet up for lunch, I had the most epic and disgusting sunburn on my face - it truly looked like my face was falling off and to be honest I didn't even want to leave the house I was so embarrassed, but after some arguing with myself I decided to go and meet up with her. The plan was just to get some lunch and talk and then head back home to basque in my own self pity - that is, that was what the rules of life told me I should do. After we had lunch we walked around for a bit and decided to watch a movie - "The Adjustment Bureau" - it sucked, then we walked around a bit more and decided to get some frozen yogurt. Once we finished our yogurt my usually quiet, proper friend pretty much cut me off mid-sentence and said "Let's go do something. I don't care what, let's just do something". While this is pretty much the way I live my life, this very much isn't the way my friend lives - so without hesitation I stood up and we were off. We got in my truck and before I even got out of the parking lot I announced we were going to the beach.
After about an hour on the freeway we got to the beach. It was just after sunset and was probably about 72 degrees as our bare feet touched the cool sand. A few steps in I looked over and my friend was hopping around like a kangaroo with excitement ( This isn't a metaphor, she was literally hopping like a kangaroo ). We walked straight to the waters edge and without any hesitation she walked straight into the water. Now if this was one of the usual suspects I associate with it wouldn't surprise me - but as I watched this timid, quiet, always proper mannered girl come out of the water soaking wet and as giddy as a school girl I knew, she was ignoring the rules of life and she was truly living.
See, we could have easily decided to just head our separate ways after lunch and I could have gone home and stared at my face in the mirror for the rest of the day - but when I got home, completely exhausted I knew that on this day - I truly lived.
At the time I didn't think much of it, but looking back on it I can only think that maybe if I did things like this more often I would be happier. Not that I'm not happy now, but what if every day was an adventure? Sometimes I feel like when I was a kid I was put into a kayak and told that the place I want to be is upstream. I was given the tools and strength and knowledge to fight the rapids and spend most of the rest of my life fighting the current to get to this mythical destination that will ultimately lead to joy and happiness, and while I usually paddle away up the stream hoping to find this land of glory - every once in a while I turn the boat around, tempt fate, and live - that is until the rules of life make me decide to turn back around and fight back upstream. Is it crazy to think that maybe I should just go with the flow, enjoy the ride and live an adventure? Does the man that lives his life with reckless abandonment, ignoring these rules of life eventually find himself in ruin, or living life the way God intended it?
I truly don't know the answer, but I'm willing to risk it.
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