Blame.

I know I usually write blogs that are motivational and inspirational - but this isn't one of them. Over the past month I've had a major revelation about who I am and where I want to be. I just need to write about it.

I don't know why it's taken me this long to realize this, but the hardest advice to swallow is my own. For years I've been the guy that everyone goes to when they have a problem, your relationship is in trouble? I've got guidance for that - You're struggling with your faith? Here's some scripture and practical advice. I was confident in guiding others, and I truly believe God has given me a gift to counsel - But underneath it all there I was, blind to my own advice, slowly falling apart - and I didn't even see it.

For years I blamed others for my shortcomings, if I blew something there was always a reason why it wasn't my fault. If that instructor had been more committed to his teaching I would have gotten a better grade. If my supervisor wouldn't have been such a jerk I wouldn't be having such a hard time at work - but what kind of advice would have have given to someone else in my position? "Eric, you can only control yourself - You are in full control of the things you do, say and believe. If you really wanted a good grade in that class - you wouldn't have even needed an instructor and if you were working the hardest you could all the time, taking pride in your work - you wouldn't have to worry about a bad supervisor", but who's advice did I listen to? No ones. I couldn't do wrong. I couldn't make a mistake. It was always someone else's fault - and I slowly dug myself deeper and deeper.

Lately I've had a lot of time to reflect, a lot of time to really sit back and analyze myself. And while I've come up with a million reasons why I've acted that way, the truth still remains - I've acted that way.

The other day I wrote down a list of things that were holding me back from being the man that I've always wanted to be. I sat down in a quiet place and carefully and prayerfully considered all of these things and what caused them. After going through my responses I realized something, none of these problems were caused by anyone but me, but for my entire life I've been living like it's okay that I do these dumb things because so and so let me down twenty years ago - I've been absolutely foolish.

I know that hindsight is 20/20, and looking back on the past four years of my life I really wish I would have done a lot of things differently. I've let a lot of people down and at best I've become a lukewarm Christian. I lay in bed at night and watch my ceiling fan spin and just think about all of the damage I've done, and while I think that love and hate are the two strongest words in the english language - I hate what I've done. I've taken the most precious gifts that God has ever given me and completely abused them. I know that I can't go back in time - I really can't figure out the whole flux-capacitor thing - but I can change things from here on out.