I'm human and I make mistakes, but until my dying day I will take solace in the fact that my word is my word.
Sunday, May 20, 2012
Friday, May 18, 2012
Set it free.
I'm sure we've all heard the saying "If you love something, set it free - If it comes back, it's yours - if it doesn't, it never was yours." While it is a lovely saying, I never truly understood the meaning of it until today.
For about the past year I haven't had a single night of good, healthy sleep. I get anxious, restless, I just lie there and stare at the ceiling - my mind spins and floods with thoughts, and instead of sleeping I just drown in them. I didn't used to be like this, I used to sleep - I used to sleep well, all of the time. So what happened?
About a year ago I made a decision to let someone go, it wasn't easy and I didn't want to - but it is what I did. There was a struggle but I knew there was a deeper issue and ultimately I came to the conclusion that at this time in her life she needed the ability to write her life with a clean slate, I didn't want her to feel pressured to stay with me when she had such a promising future and mostly - ten years down the road I didn't want her to regret the decisions she made because I was part of the equation. I'd hoped that ultimately when she was rewriting her life that I would be part of it, that she would realize that the decision I made was because I wanted her to be happy most of all - I loved her, so I set her free - and away she flew.
I have this iPod, on the back it has engraving that says "Love ___, aka ___, aka fancypants, aka yours." There aren't really blanks but I don't see a reason to leave any identifying information about her on here - today I grabbed my iPod to put on some Red Hot Chili Peppers cause, come on - whats better than cruising with the windows down, blasting the Chili Peppers in California Summer weather? Anyway, I dropped it and when I picked it up I saw the engraving on the back and thought of the quote I started this with - she never was mine. I ran into someone today that gave me some information that while it should be shocking, it honestly wasn't - but I came to realize that her heart had wandered from me far before I set her free, but learning this has done something to me - it has set me free.
See, I have a lot of love to give and I've been hung up on this for almost a year now - "I loved her and I did what I thought was best for us in the long run - but she just took off" and it hurt. I've spent the better part of the past year trying to figure out what I did wrong - even to the point of blaming myself and accusing myself of stuff that wasn't true, I became foolish - I became a shell of the man I used to be, because of a lie.
I know I often write encouraging things, faithful things - but the truth is, for about the last year I haven't been able to. I've tried, but I haven't been able to because of this huge burden resting on my shoulders - but I know now that God is preparing me for something great. I start a new job in a week that will provide me with the financial ability to serve in ways I could have only imagined a year ago, and now I have this burden lifted off of my shoulders - I see Him being able to work through me without resistance or friction from my burdens. I'm stoked.
One thing I'm really stoked about is that tonight I will get the best night of sleep I've had in a long time, and tomorrow I will be fully rested, and alive in a way I've truly missed.
For about the past year I haven't had a single night of good, healthy sleep. I get anxious, restless, I just lie there and stare at the ceiling - my mind spins and floods with thoughts, and instead of sleeping I just drown in them. I didn't used to be like this, I used to sleep - I used to sleep well, all of the time. So what happened?
About a year ago I made a decision to let someone go, it wasn't easy and I didn't want to - but it is what I did. There was a struggle but I knew there was a deeper issue and ultimately I came to the conclusion that at this time in her life she needed the ability to write her life with a clean slate, I didn't want her to feel pressured to stay with me when she had such a promising future and mostly - ten years down the road I didn't want her to regret the decisions she made because I was part of the equation. I'd hoped that ultimately when she was rewriting her life that I would be part of it, that she would realize that the decision I made was because I wanted her to be happy most of all - I loved her, so I set her free - and away she flew.
I have this iPod, on the back it has engraving that says "Love ___, aka ___, aka fancypants, aka yours." There aren't really blanks but I don't see a reason to leave any identifying information about her on here - today I grabbed my iPod to put on some Red Hot Chili Peppers cause, come on - whats better than cruising with the windows down, blasting the Chili Peppers in California Summer weather? Anyway, I dropped it and when I picked it up I saw the engraving on the back and thought of the quote I started this with - she never was mine. I ran into someone today that gave me some information that while it should be shocking, it honestly wasn't - but I came to realize that her heart had wandered from me far before I set her free, but learning this has done something to me - it has set me free.
See, I have a lot of love to give and I've been hung up on this for almost a year now - "I loved her and I did what I thought was best for us in the long run - but she just took off" and it hurt. I've spent the better part of the past year trying to figure out what I did wrong - even to the point of blaming myself and accusing myself of stuff that wasn't true, I became foolish - I became a shell of the man I used to be, because of a lie.
I know I often write encouraging things, faithful things - but the truth is, for about the last year I haven't been able to. I've tried, but I haven't been able to because of this huge burden resting on my shoulders - but I know now that God is preparing me for something great. I start a new job in a week that will provide me with the financial ability to serve in ways I could have only imagined a year ago, and now I have this burden lifted off of my shoulders - I see Him being able to work through me without resistance or friction from my burdens. I'm stoked.
One thing I'm really stoked about is that tonight I will get the best night of sleep I've had in a long time, and tomorrow I will be fully rested, and alive in a way I've truly missed.
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
Grandma.
Here's a pretty awesome story I heard today about my Grandma's passing.
She passed early Saturday morning, but apparently for about a week before she keep mentioning the "trip" she was going to be taking on Friday, she also kept telling people that her husband, my Grandpa Bob had just been in to visit her - keep in mind, he died in 1978 and she had never said anything like that before.
On Saturday morning she woke up around 0230 and had one episode of emesis (vomiting) and after they cleaned her up her respirations started getting progressively shallower - she kept telling her caretakers to let her go, that she was ready to go. The CNAs sat with her for a few hours until around 0530 she slowly turned her head and looked over at the door to her room and said "There he is, the man I married - he's come to take me home" at which point she smiled and breathed her last breath. I was told that the look on her face after she passed was of complete peace.
My Grandmother was the most loving, selfless person I have ever known - now she's home.
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