Mad World.

This is my last post on this blog, I've been through so much throughout it and I feel the need to close this chapter in my life and move on, move forward. I wish to leave anyone that reads this, which according to my stats is a bunch of people in Russia with the following words of wisdom.

Things won't always happen as you hoped they would in life, and it would be very easy for someone to just give up - but there is always tomorrow. No matter how much you hurt, no matter how much you suffer there will always either be tomorrow - whether it be here or face to face with your Maker. I intend upon living each day to it's fullest, there will always be that hurt in my heart, but ultimately I can't let that dictate my life.

Live.

Please.

Live.

I leave this song only because it describes clearly how I used to feel, especially the chorus, but there truly is so much more - there is hope.

All around me are familiar faces
worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for the daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I wanna drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow

And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying 
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very very, mad world, mad world

Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday
And I feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me, look right through me

And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very very, mad world, mad world
Enlarge your world, mad world

Average.

I'm average at best.

I try to tell myself that I'm pretty awesome, but the truth is much less.

I summited half-dome to prove a point - and that's all it was, to prove a point.

Sure I've done some alright things in my lifetime, but of all the "great" things I've done, 90% of them have been my job. Rescues, putting my life on the line, danger. - it's hard to consider yourself special when most of the things you've done have been dependent upon a paycheck.

I want to make my ex think she made a mistake.
I want to make her regret her decision.

But ultimately, she probably made the best decision for her. I wasn't a man. I haven't been a man. Dollars mean nothing, I'm a loser.

I know she wanted to be happy, and she deserved to be happy - she worked so hard, and I was nothing but a burden.

I see why she didn't fight for "us".

It was more "me" than "us".

Life is short, and you may only find "the one" once - maybe I'll be stuck on this forever and I'm okay with that. I'm glad she was able to move on from me so easily, cause while I hate to admit it - I'm pretty much 100% Douchebag - I deserve to suffer for this. She doesn't deserve to suffer, she's incredible. I have met very few women of God in my life, and she is one of them. I hope she thrives upon that.

Life is filled with decisions.

I wish I would have chosen to snuggle.

I wish I would have chosen to keep trying to snowboard.

I wish I would have kissed her goodnight in Mammoth.

Love does not last forever and there is ALWAYS someone else waiting to love more than you did - and I blew it.

Find her and love her - never give up.

I gave up.

If only for what I saw in a short time - I gave up - but regardless. I gave up.

Smile.

You deserve to smile.

You deserve the best.

This is what you've been hoping for, and dreaming for.

Me giving up.

I've fought it for a while, but I want you to be happy.

I'm sure you already are, but this will be a weight off of you somewhere - maybe your ankle or something.

Take care, be happy - I want nothing but a million smiles from you.

You deserve to smile non-stop.

Goodbye.

Love.

I've always been incredibly optimistic when it came to love, I've been burned in the past and in spite of that I opened my heart up completely - maybe I was foolish.

I gave selflessly - but she made me happy. Happier than anyone had ever made me - but still, maybe I was foolish.

Maybe love is stupid, maybe I'm the fool for thinking love was something that would ultimately fulfill me. I felt whole for a few years, but maybe I was deceived. Maybe I was foolish.

I'm a fool.

My word.

I'm human and I make mistakes, but until my dying day I will take solace in the fact that my word is my word.

Set it free.

I'm sure we've all heard the saying "If you love something, set it free - If it comes back, it's yours - if it doesn't, it never was yours." While it is a lovely saying, I never truly understood the meaning of it until today.


For about the past year I haven't had a single night of good, healthy sleep. I get anxious, restless, I just lie there and stare at the ceiling - my mind spins and floods with thoughts, and instead of sleeping I just drown in them. I didn't used to be like this, I used to sleep - I used to sleep well, all of the time. So what happened?


About a year ago I made a decision to let someone go, it wasn't easy and I didn't want to - but it is what I did. There was a struggle but I knew there was a deeper issue and ultimately I came to the conclusion that at this time in her life she needed the ability to write her life with a clean slate, I didn't want her to feel pressured to stay with me when she had such a promising future and mostly - ten years down the road I didn't want her to regret the decisions she made because I was part of the equation. I'd hoped that ultimately when she was rewriting her life that I would be part of it, that she would realize that the decision I made was because I wanted her to be happy most of all - I loved her, so I set her free - and away she flew.


I have this iPod, on the back it has engraving that says "Love ___, aka ___, aka fancypants, aka yours." There aren't really blanks but I don't see a reason to leave any identifying information about her on here - today I grabbed my iPod to put on some Red Hot Chili Peppers cause, come on - whats better than cruising with the windows down, blasting the Chili Peppers in California Summer weather? Anyway, I dropped it and when I picked it up I saw the engraving on the back and thought of the quote I started this with - she never was mine. I ran into someone today that gave me some information that while it should be shocking, it honestly wasn't - but I came to realize that her heart had wandered from me far before I set her free, but learning this has done something to me - it has set me free.


See, I have a lot of love to give and I've been hung up on this for almost a year now - "I loved her and I did what I thought was best for us in the long run - but she just took off" and it hurt. I've spent the better part of the past year trying to figure out what I did wrong - even to the point of blaming myself and accusing myself of stuff that wasn't true, I became foolish - I became a shell of the man I used to be, because of a lie.


I know I often write encouraging things, faithful things - but the truth is, for about the last year I haven't been able to. I've tried, but I haven't been able to because of this huge burden resting on my shoulders - but I know now that God is preparing me for something great. I start a new job in a week that will provide me with the financial ability to serve in ways I could have only imagined a year ago, and now I have this burden lifted off of my shoulders - I see Him being able to work through me without resistance or friction from my burdens. I'm stoked.


One thing I'm really stoked about is that tonight I will get the best night of sleep I've had in a long time, and tomorrow I will be fully rested, and alive in a way I've truly missed.

Grandma.

Here's a pretty awesome story I heard today about my Grandma's passing.

She passed early Saturday morning, but apparently for about a week before she keep mentioning the "trip" she was going to be taking on Friday, she also kept telling people that her husband, my Grandpa Bob had just been in to visit her - keep in mind, he died in 1978 and she had never said anything like that before.

On Saturday morning she woke up around 0230 and had one episode of emesis (vomiting) and after they cleaned her up her respirations started getting progressively shallower - she kept telling her caretakers to let her go, that she was ready to go. The CNAs sat with her for a few hours until around 0530 she slowly turned her head and looked over at the door to her room and said "There he is, the man I married - he's come to take me home" at which point she smiled and breathed her last breath. I was told that the look on her face after she passed was of complete peace.

My Grandmother was the most loving, selfless person I have ever known - now she's home.

Life.

So live your life that the fear of death can never enter your heart.
Trouble no one about their religion;
respect others in their view, and demand that they respect yours.
Love your life, perfect your life, beautify all things in your life.

Seek to make your life long and its purpose in the service of your people.
Prepare a noble death song for the day when you go over the great divide.
Always give a word or a sign of salute when meeting or passing a friend,
even a stranger, when in a lonely place.
Show respect to all people and grovel to none.

When you arise in the morning give thanks for the food and for the joy of living.
If you see no reason for giving thanks, the fault lies only in yourself.

Abuse no one and no thing, for abuse turns the wise ones to fools
and robs the spirit of its vision.

When it comes your time to die, be not like those whose hearts are filled
with the fear of death, so that when their time comes they weep
and pray for a little more time to live their lives over again in a different way.
Sing your death song and die like a hero going home.

The best version of me.

At one point I had it all together. A man of God. Headed in the right direction.

I was sick and tired of what "Christian men" had become, they were these weak, emasculated beings that never stood up for anything if it upset someone and constantly apologized for doing the right thing. Somewhere in the history of man they had lost their warrior mentality and become these mindless drones that avoided confrontation at all costs and would never stand against adversity. Some of my friends and I would get together once every other week and talk about what it looked like to be a man of God, and you know what we realized? What the church was telling us to be wasn't what God wanted us to be. So we ran with that, we fell more and more in love with the Lord and in the process learned to stand up for the weak, to fight when we had to, to love with all of our hearts. I loved what we were becoming, we loved what we were becoming. I was becoming the best version of me. This was years ago.

I became more important to me, I thought that standing up for myself when I thought I was right was the same as standing up for others when they were right - the only problem with that is perspective. I couldn't be impartial in the way I looked at myself - I didn't realize this. I stood up for myself when I was wrong and I wouldn't back down - I became less of a man. Instead of taking time to listen to another's point of view and trying to understand it I remained stubborn - I became less of a man. I couldn't be corrected, I was always right - the Bible would define me as a fool - I became less of a man. Eventually I was hollow - on the outside I looked the same, I even fooled most people into thinking I was the same, but I wasn't - I was hostile, I was stubborn, I was far from above reproach, and I was selfish ... I was becoming the worst possible version of myself. This was less than a year ago.

The best version of myself would have kicked the worst versions of myself's ass. And the worst version of me would have still thought he was right.

Then the hollow me caved in, it was New Years Eve and there wasn't even enough of a shell to stay upright - I had spent months trying to pull myself together on my own and all I was doing was filling myself with more air, making myself harder on the outside, but if you know anything about hard materials, the harder they are the more brittle they become - Like Humpty Dumpty I fell apart. I woke up the next day furious - furious at myself for what I had become, but then all of The King's horses and all of The King's men tried to put me together again, and you know what - I didn't have the strength to fight it any more. I knew I had to turn to The King and trust only in Him, only He had the ability to get me back on the right track.

See, I know what it's like to be developing into the best version of myself - it feels incredible, but it can't be done alone - it can't be sustained alone, you need others that are like-minded, you need to never stop developing - you won't achieve it in this lifetime, the idea that you have achieved it is the most dangerous idea you can have - I had to lose the most valuable things to me in order to realize this - and while that's a tough pill to swallow, it's exactly what I needed to get off of that horrible path I was heading down, and I'm thankful for it.

So now, I must continue striving to be the best version of myself - never wavering, never becoming discouraged or puffed up and to always maintain perspective - that's why accountability is so incredibly important. For the first time in a while I'm truly happy about where I'm headed as a person - as a man.

Changed man.

Saying you're a changed man means nothing.

Living like you're a changed man changes everything.

Father.

The last thing my dad said to me was "Disregard.".  I've spent so much of my life attempting to develop a relationship with my father with no reciprocation. I never thought I'd be that guy that said he'd never talk to his dad and be okay with it - I hope I don't regret this for the rest of my life.

What does it look like to be a good father? Is he present? Does he contribute to your life financially? Spiritually? I honestly don't know.

I've had many examples of what a father is throughout my life, the best of those within the past few years but throughout my life my mom has made it a point to surround me with men - Boy Scouts, Karate, Soccer, Baseball, Football, Hockey - I mean she went out of her way to make sure I was surrounded by men, and I am beyond thankful for that - but does that really suffice when it comes to having a father in your life? No. At least not for me.

I accepted Christ into my heart when I was 14 years old. Sure I had been raised in the Catholic Church but the day I knew I wanted to follow Christ didn't come until I was 14. Jesus cares about me, Jesus wants what is best for me, Jesus loves me. These are all things I had never experienced in my life and honestly they were completely foreign to me and they were the exact things I had always wanted in a father - the perfect example of who I want to become.

There's something I've been learning more and more lately - and it's kind of rough. It is impossible to be the perfect Father, it is impossible to be the perfect Husband, it is impossible to be the perfect boyfriend. Why? Because we're all still learning. God has perfected it, because God is perfect. I will never reach that point until I have died, but I'm working on it. I learn a little more daily, and I hope to be at a point once I have children to truly be a father to my children. It takes time.

Orion.

I love the stars, on a clear night you can almost count on finding me at some point standing silently just gazing off in awe of their beauty. There's something incredible about looking out there and thinking about how big creation is, how big God is and how little we are - I also find myself in awe of the fact that a significant portion of the stars I see don't even exist anymore, in fact they haven't existed throughout my whole life yet their light will still be traversing for thousands of years after their and my death.

One constellation that I consistently see without fail is Orion, the fallen hunter. I don't know why, but over the last several years whenever I look to the sky (during his months of visibility) Orion is the first thing I see - it is as if my eyes are just drawn to him. His place in history is an interesting one, he is mentioned three times in the Bible - twice in The Book of Job and once in Amos where he is mentioned as "Kesil" - mostly mentioned in reference to the power of God, oddly though - "Kesil" can be directly translated to mean "fool" in Hebrew which reminds me of the Greek Mythology behind Orion.

According to Greek Mythology Orion got into a fight with the great scorpion (Scorpio) and the gods banished them both to the heavens - a fool trapped forever.

I once painted Orion, in fact it was the only painting I've ever really done apart from finger painting and what not in school - but to me it was something important, something with meaning. I used to look up and see this hunter, this fighter and think of a love worth fighting for - think of this great man standing up for what is right and fighting for it, fighting for the one he loved. Now I look up there and see a fool, a man that thought he had something to fight for but ultimately was fighting of naught.

I once again realized how little and insignificant I was in the bigger picture, yet this has been a tangent.

If you posess the ability to stand out on a clear night and look at the stars as if they are nothing - I applaud you, for no matter how rough things get I can't look at the stars and deny the presence of God. When I stand there and literally stare into the past and the future on such a grand scale and then moments later look at the intricacy of creation in small things like how it is possible for me to actually see this, or how my fingers can intricately move in such a precise manner I find it absolutely ludacris to even begin to allow myself to deny a creator that is deeply and intimately involved in creation.

It leaves me in awe.

Life goes on.

Life goes on.

Lately I've been writing long, well thought out posts and then deleting them - apparently I've simply needed the therapeutic benefits of writing something down. It's been good. When I was growing up in the church we used to do this exercise where we would write down our biggest burdens, the things that we were either struggling with or simply frustrated about and then fold them up and toss them into the fire, somewhere in that we were supposed to be symbolically giving it up to Jesus - relinquishing control of this "thing" and moving on. The unfortunate thing is that I'm sure I wrote the same thing on those pieces of paper every time - you see, symbolism is not a relationship - it's not the same as truly living it out, yet we were told otherwise.

I'm tired of burning these posts for nothing. It's time to move on.

If all I ever wanted in life was to be a pilot, but was unable to because of poor vision - would I be a quitter for moving on in my career choice, or would I be wise for recognizing there was no point in pursuing that goal anymore?

I've been struggling with the idea of "quitting" lately. I've only recently realizing how many things I've quit in my life that I've been on this mission to never quit again - unfortunately I believe this has cause me to foolishly fight for things that have no desire to be fought for. I've needed to realize that sometimes it's not quitting, it's just being wise.


I'd love to sit here and elaborate, but the truth is - life goes on. I wish I could say it's time to start a new chapter - but I think it's time to start a new book. It's time to realize that life goes on, and to live.