Mad World.

This is my last post on this blog, I've been through so much throughout it and I feel the need to close this chapter in my life and move on, move forward. I wish to leave anyone that reads this, which according to my stats is a bunch of people in Russia with the following words of wisdom.

Things won't always happen as you hoped they would in life, and it would be very easy for someone to just give up - but there is always tomorrow. No matter how much you hurt, no matter how much you suffer there will always either be tomorrow - whether it be here or face to face with your Maker. I intend upon living each day to it's fullest, there will always be that hurt in my heart, but ultimately I can't let that dictate my life.

Live.

Please.

Live.

I leave this song only because it describes clearly how I used to feel, especially the chorus, but there truly is so much more - there is hope.

All around me are familiar faces
worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for the daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I wanna drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow

And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying 
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very very, mad world, mad world

Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday
And I feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me, look right through me

And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very very, mad world, mad world
Enlarge your world, mad world

Average.

I'm average at best.

I try to tell myself that I'm pretty awesome, but the truth is much less.

I summited half-dome to prove a point - and that's all it was, to prove a point.

Sure I've done some alright things in my lifetime, but of all the "great" things I've done, 90% of them have been my job. Rescues, putting my life on the line, danger. - it's hard to consider yourself special when most of the things you've done have been dependent upon a paycheck.

I want to make my ex think she made a mistake.
I want to make her regret her decision.

But ultimately, she probably made the best decision for her. I wasn't a man. I haven't been a man. Dollars mean nothing, I'm a loser.

I know she wanted to be happy, and she deserved to be happy - she worked so hard, and I was nothing but a burden.

I see why she didn't fight for "us".

It was more "me" than "us".

Life is short, and you may only find "the one" once - maybe I'll be stuck on this forever and I'm okay with that. I'm glad she was able to move on from me so easily, cause while I hate to admit it - I'm pretty much 100% Douchebag - I deserve to suffer for this. She doesn't deserve to suffer, she's incredible. I have met very few women of God in my life, and she is one of them. I hope she thrives upon that.

Life is filled with decisions.

I wish I would have chosen to snuggle.

I wish I would have chosen to keep trying to snowboard.

I wish I would have kissed her goodnight in Mammoth.

Love does not last forever and there is ALWAYS someone else waiting to love more than you did - and I blew it.

Find her and love her - never give up.

I gave up.

If only for what I saw in a short time - I gave up - but regardless. I gave up.

Smile.

You deserve to smile.

You deserve the best.

This is what you've been hoping for, and dreaming for.

Me giving up.

I've fought it for a while, but I want you to be happy.

I'm sure you already are, but this will be a weight off of you somewhere - maybe your ankle or something.

Take care, be happy - I want nothing but a million smiles from you.

You deserve to smile non-stop.

Goodbye.