The last thing my dad said to me was "Disregard.". I've spent so much of my life attempting to develop a relationship with my father with no reciprocation. I never thought I'd be that guy that said he'd never talk to his dad and be okay with it - I hope I don't regret this for the rest of my life.
What does it look like to be a good father? Is he present? Does he contribute to your life financially? Spiritually? I honestly don't know.
I've had many examples of what a father is throughout my life, the best of those within the past few years but throughout my life my mom has made it a point to surround me with men - Boy Scouts, Karate, Soccer, Baseball, Football, Hockey - I mean she went out of her way to make sure I was surrounded by men, and I am beyond thankful for that - but does that really suffice when it comes to having a father in your life? No. At least not for me.
I accepted Christ into my heart when I was 14 years old. Sure I had been raised in the Catholic Church but the day I knew I wanted to follow Christ didn't come until I was 14. Jesus cares about me, Jesus wants what is best for me, Jesus loves me. These are all things I had never experienced in my life and honestly they were completely foreign to me and they were the exact things I had always wanted in a father - the perfect example of who I want to become.
There's something I've been learning more and more lately - and it's kind of rough. It is impossible to be the perfect Father, it is impossible to be the perfect Husband, it is impossible to be the perfect boyfriend. Why? Because we're all still learning. God has perfected it, because God is perfect. I will never reach that point until I have died, but I'm working on it. I learn a little more daily, and I hope to be at a point once I have children to truly be a father to my children. It takes time.
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Orion.
I love the stars, on a clear night you can almost count on finding me at some point standing silently just gazing off in awe of their beauty. There's something incredible about looking out there and thinking about how big creation is, how big God is and how little we are - I also find myself in awe of the fact that a significant portion of the stars I see don't even exist anymore, in fact they haven't existed throughout my whole life yet their light will still be traversing for thousands of years after their and my death.
One constellation that I consistently see without fail is Orion, the fallen hunter. I don't know why, but over the last several years whenever I look to the sky (during his months of visibility) Orion is the first thing I see - it is as if my eyes are just drawn to him. His place in history is an interesting one, he is mentioned three times in the Bible - twice in The Book of Job and once in Amos where he is mentioned as "Kesil" - mostly mentioned in reference to the power of God, oddly though - "Kesil" can be directly translated to mean "fool" in Hebrew which reminds me of the Greek Mythology behind Orion.
According to Greek Mythology Orion got into a fight with the great scorpion (Scorpio) and the gods banished them both to the heavens - a fool trapped forever.
I once painted Orion, in fact it was the only painting I've ever really done apart from finger painting and what not in school - but to me it was something important, something with meaning. I used to look up and see this hunter, this fighter and think of a love worth fighting for - think of this great man standing up for what is right and fighting for it, fighting for the one he loved. Now I look up there and see a fool, a man that thought he had something to fight for but ultimately was fighting of naught.
I once again realized how little and insignificant I was in the bigger picture, yet this has been a tangent.
If you posess the ability to stand out on a clear night and look at the stars as if they are nothing - I applaud you, for no matter how rough things get I can't look at the stars and deny the presence of God. When I stand there and literally stare into the past and the future on such a grand scale and then moments later look at the intricacy of creation in small things like how it is possible for me to actually see this, or how my fingers can intricately move in such a precise manner I find it absolutely ludacris to even begin to allow myself to deny a creator that is deeply and intimately involved in creation.
It leaves me in awe.
One constellation that I consistently see without fail is Orion, the fallen hunter. I don't know why, but over the last several years whenever I look to the sky (during his months of visibility) Orion is the first thing I see - it is as if my eyes are just drawn to him. His place in history is an interesting one, he is mentioned three times in the Bible - twice in The Book of Job and once in Amos where he is mentioned as "Kesil" - mostly mentioned in reference to the power of God, oddly though - "Kesil" can be directly translated to mean "fool" in Hebrew which reminds me of the Greek Mythology behind Orion.
According to Greek Mythology Orion got into a fight with the great scorpion (Scorpio) and the gods banished them both to the heavens - a fool trapped forever.
I once painted Orion, in fact it was the only painting I've ever really done apart from finger painting and what not in school - but to me it was something important, something with meaning. I used to look up and see this hunter, this fighter and think of a love worth fighting for - think of this great man standing up for what is right and fighting for it, fighting for the one he loved. Now I look up there and see a fool, a man that thought he had something to fight for but ultimately was fighting of naught.
I once again realized how little and insignificant I was in the bigger picture, yet this has been a tangent.
If you posess the ability to stand out on a clear night and look at the stars as if they are nothing - I applaud you, for no matter how rough things get I can't look at the stars and deny the presence of God. When I stand there and literally stare into the past and the future on such a grand scale and then moments later look at the intricacy of creation in small things like how it is possible for me to actually see this, or how my fingers can intricately move in such a precise manner I find it absolutely ludacris to even begin to allow myself to deny a creator that is deeply and intimately involved in creation.
It leaves me in awe.
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Life goes on.
Life goes on.
Lately I've been writing long, well thought out posts and then deleting them - apparently I've simply needed the therapeutic benefits of writing something down. It's been good. When I was growing up in the church we used to do this exercise where we would write down our biggest burdens, the things that we were either struggling with or simply frustrated about and then fold them up and toss them into the fire, somewhere in that we were supposed to be symbolically giving it up to Jesus - relinquishing control of this "thing" and moving on. The unfortunate thing is that I'm sure I wrote the same thing on those pieces of paper every time - you see, symbolism is not a relationship - it's not the same as truly living it out, yet we were told otherwise.
I'm tired of burning these posts for nothing. It's time to move on.
If all I ever wanted in life was to be a pilot, but was unable to because of poor vision - would I be a quitter for moving on in my career choice, or would I be wise for recognizing there was no point in pursuing that goal anymore?
I've been struggling with the idea of "quitting" lately. I've only recently realizing how many things I've quit in my life that I've been on this mission to never quit again - unfortunately I believe this has cause me to foolishly fight for things that have no desire to be fought for. I've needed to realize that sometimes it's not quitting, it's just being wise.
I'd love to sit here and elaborate, but the truth is - life goes on. I wish I could say it's time to start a new chapter - but I think it's time to start a new book. It's time to realize that life goes on, and to live.
Lately I've been writing long, well thought out posts and then deleting them - apparently I've simply needed the therapeutic benefits of writing something down. It's been good. When I was growing up in the church we used to do this exercise where we would write down our biggest burdens, the things that we were either struggling with or simply frustrated about and then fold them up and toss them into the fire, somewhere in that we were supposed to be symbolically giving it up to Jesus - relinquishing control of this "thing" and moving on. The unfortunate thing is that I'm sure I wrote the same thing on those pieces of paper every time - you see, symbolism is not a relationship - it's not the same as truly living it out, yet we were told otherwise.
I'm tired of burning these posts for nothing. It's time to move on.
If all I ever wanted in life was to be a pilot, but was unable to because of poor vision - would I be a quitter for moving on in my career choice, or would I be wise for recognizing there was no point in pursuing that goal anymore?
I've been struggling with the idea of "quitting" lately. I've only recently realizing how many things I've quit in my life that I've been on this mission to never quit again - unfortunately I believe this has cause me to foolishly fight for things that have no desire to be fought for. I've needed to realize that sometimes it's not quitting, it's just being wise.
I'd love to sit here and elaborate, but the truth is - life goes on. I wish I could say it's time to start a new chapter - but I think it's time to start a new book. It's time to realize that life goes on, and to live.
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