Mad World.

This is my last post on this blog, I've been through so much throughout it and I feel the need to close this chapter in my life and move on, move forward. I wish to leave anyone that reads this, which according to my stats is a bunch of people in Russia with the following words of wisdom.

Things won't always happen as you hoped they would in life, and it would be very easy for someone to just give up - but there is always tomorrow. No matter how much you hurt, no matter how much you suffer there will always either be tomorrow - whether it be here or face to face with your Maker. I intend upon living each day to it's fullest, there will always be that hurt in my heart, but ultimately I can't let that dictate my life.

Live.

Please.

Live.

I leave this song only because it describes clearly how I used to feel, especially the chorus, but there truly is so much more - there is hope.

All around me are familiar faces
worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for the daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I wanna drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow

And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying 
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very very, mad world, mad world

Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday
And I feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me, look right through me

And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very very, mad world, mad world
Enlarge your world, mad world

Average.

I'm average at best.

I try to tell myself that I'm pretty awesome, but the truth is much less.

I summited half-dome to prove a point - and that's all it was, to prove a point.

Sure I've done some alright things in my lifetime, but of all the "great" things I've done, 90% of them have been my job. Rescues, putting my life on the line, danger. - it's hard to consider yourself special when most of the things you've done have been dependent upon a paycheck.

I want to make my ex think she made a mistake.
I want to make her regret her decision.

But ultimately, she probably made the best decision for her. I wasn't a man. I haven't been a man. Dollars mean nothing, I'm a loser.

I know she wanted to be happy, and she deserved to be happy - she worked so hard, and I was nothing but a burden.

I see why she didn't fight for "us".

It was more "me" than "us".

Life is short, and you may only find "the one" once - maybe I'll be stuck on this forever and I'm okay with that. I'm glad she was able to move on from me so easily, cause while I hate to admit it - I'm pretty much 100% Douchebag - I deserve to suffer for this. She doesn't deserve to suffer, she's incredible. I have met very few women of God in my life, and she is one of them. I hope she thrives upon that.

Life is filled with decisions.

I wish I would have chosen to snuggle.

I wish I would have chosen to keep trying to snowboard.

I wish I would have kissed her goodnight in Mammoth.

Love does not last forever and there is ALWAYS someone else waiting to love more than you did - and I blew it.

Find her and love her - never give up.

I gave up.

If only for what I saw in a short time - I gave up - but regardless. I gave up.

Smile.

You deserve to smile.

You deserve the best.

This is what you've been hoping for, and dreaming for.

Me giving up.

I've fought it for a while, but I want you to be happy.

I'm sure you already are, but this will be a weight off of you somewhere - maybe your ankle or something.

Take care, be happy - I want nothing but a million smiles from you.

You deserve to smile non-stop.

Goodbye.

Love.

I've always been incredibly optimistic when it came to love, I've been burned in the past and in spite of that I opened my heart up completely - maybe I was foolish.

I gave selflessly - but she made me happy. Happier than anyone had ever made me - but still, maybe I was foolish.

Maybe love is stupid, maybe I'm the fool for thinking love was something that would ultimately fulfill me. I felt whole for a few years, but maybe I was deceived. Maybe I was foolish.

I'm a fool.

My word.

I'm human and I make mistakes, but until my dying day I will take solace in the fact that my word is my word.

Set it free.

I'm sure we've all heard the saying "If you love something, set it free - If it comes back, it's yours - if it doesn't, it never was yours." While it is a lovely saying, I never truly understood the meaning of it until today.


For about the past year I haven't had a single night of good, healthy sleep. I get anxious, restless, I just lie there and stare at the ceiling - my mind spins and floods with thoughts, and instead of sleeping I just drown in them. I didn't used to be like this, I used to sleep - I used to sleep well, all of the time. So what happened?


About a year ago I made a decision to let someone go, it wasn't easy and I didn't want to - but it is what I did. There was a struggle but I knew there was a deeper issue and ultimately I came to the conclusion that at this time in her life she needed the ability to write her life with a clean slate, I didn't want her to feel pressured to stay with me when she had such a promising future and mostly - ten years down the road I didn't want her to regret the decisions she made because I was part of the equation. I'd hoped that ultimately when she was rewriting her life that I would be part of it, that she would realize that the decision I made was because I wanted her to be happy most of all - I loved her, so I set her free - and away she flew.


I have this iPod, on the back it has engraving that says "Love ___, aka ___, aka fancypants, aka yours." There aren't really blanks but I don't see a reason to leave any identifying information about her on here - today I grabbed my iPod to put on some Red Hot Chili Peppers cause, come on - whats better than cruising with the windows down, blasting the Chili Peppers in California Summer weather? Anyway, I dropped it and when I picked it up I saw the engraving on the back and thought of the quote I started this with - she never was mine. I ran into someone today that gave me some information that while it should be shocking, it honestly wasn't - but I came to realize that her heart had wandered from me far before I set her free, but learning this has done something to me - it has set me free.


See, I have a lot of love to give and I've been hung up on this for almost a year now - "I loved her and I did what I thought was best for us in the long run - but she just took off" and it hurt. I've spent the better part of the past year trying to figure out what I did wrong - even to the point of blaming myself and accusing myself of stuff that wasn't true, I became foolish - I became a shell of the man I used to be, because of a lie.


I know I often write encouraging things, faithful things - but the truth is, for about the last year I haven't been able to. I've tried, but I haven't been able to because of this huge burden resting on my shoulders - but I know now that God is preparing me for something great. I start a new job in a week that will provide me with the financial ability to serve in ways I could have only imagined a year ago, and now I have this burden lifted off of my shoulders - I see Him being able to work through me without resistance or friction from my burdens. I'm stoked.


One thing I'm really stoked about is that tonight I will get the best night of sleep I've had in a long time, and tomorrow I will be fully rested, and alive in a way I've truly missed.

Grandma.

Here's a pretty awesome story I heard today about my Grandma's passing.

She passed early Saturday morning, but apparently for about a week before she keep mentioning the "trip" she was going to be taking on Friday, she also kept telling people that her husband, my Grandpa Bob had just been in to visit her - keep in mind, he died in 1978 and she had never said anything like that before.

On Saturday morning she woke up around 0230 and had one episode of emesis (vomiting) and after they cleaned her up her respirations started getting progressively shallower - she kept telling her caretakers to let her go, that she was ready to go. The CNAs sat with her for a few hours until around 0530 she slowly turned her head and looked over at the door to her room and said "There he is, the man I married - he's come to take me home" at which point she smiled and breathed her last breath. I was told that the look on her face after she passed was of complete peace.

My Grandmother was the most loving, selfless person I have ever known - now she's home.

Life.

So live your life that the fear of death can never enter your heart.
Trouble no one about their religion;
respect others in their view, and demand that they respect yours.
Love your life, perfect your life, beautify all things in your life.

Seek to make your life long and its purpose in the service of your people.
Prepare a noble death song for the day when you go over the great divide.
Always give a word or a sign of salute when meeting or passing a friend,
even a stranger, when in a lonely place.
Show respect to all people and grovel to none.

When you arise in the morning give thanks for the food and for the joy of living.
If you see no reason for giving thanks, the fault lies only in yourself.

Abuse no one and no thing, for abuse turns the wise ones to fools
and robs the spirit of its vision.

When it comes your time to die, be not like those whose hearts are filled
with the fear of death, so that when their time comes they weep
and pray for a little more time to live their lives over again in a different way.
Sing your death song and die like a hero going home.