Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . .
And the Master so gently said, "Wait."
"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.
"My future and all to which I relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign.
"You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply."
Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
As my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?"
He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . .
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.
"I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.
"You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence are all you can see.
"You'd never experience the fullness of love
When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.
"The glow of my comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.
"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you.
"So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait."
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
The Little Boy
"Something's wrong man, I can't explain it but something's wrong." my friend says as he sits across from me at a crappy overhyped coffee shop. He's wearing basketball shorts, a basketball jersey and some soccer sandals. His beard is rough like he's been stuck on a deserted island for months and didn't have time to shave and he slowly glides his fingers through the hairs as if the answers are hidden somewhere underneath. "What do you mean?", I say as if I have no idea what he's talking about - yet truthfully I've been there, I know - I know exactly how he feels.
People always come to me with their problems, lately I've had a friend that has been struggling in his marriage coming to me frequently - why me? I don't know. If I were him I'd take a step back and think "Man, this guy is like six years older than me, single and blew a great relationship - why on earth would I seek relationship advice from him?" yet he and others often do. I used to embrace it, I would invite them over or go meet them and talk about it and give them advice - anytime a friend was a need I was there. Several months ago it started to bug me, I didn't want anything to do with anyone - I was incredibly critical and was struggling so much with my own demons that I couldn't wrap my mind around why anyone would want to get advice from me, or talk to me about their problems - I was swimming in my own. I shut down. I closed myself off to everyone. I became cold and hard. In essence my transformation was complete, I had spend so much time being cold to those that loved me most that my heart finally petrified, it became useless even to me.
There's a C.S. Lewis quote that I've always loved, it describes vulnerability perfectly. See the truth is that only when you're vulnerable can you truly love, at the same time that is when you can be hurt the most - let me let him say is:
"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable."
See, I embraced this quote - I made it my own and claimed that this is how I live, but deep down there was part of me that I let no one in on - not even those closest to me. I was hurt when I was a kid, not physically - but emotionally I was hurt. I took that little boy that had been hurt and I put him somewhere safe in my heart - somewhere that no one could ever hurt him again. I thought I was doing the right thing. I thought I was being safe. The truth is that I was doing much more damage than I ever could have thought, cause by locking that little boy away like that I wasn't protecting him - I was preserving him. I was trapping him in that pain and that hurt and not allowing him to heal. The worst part was that I could either spend my life ignoring that and never fully being vulnerable to someone, or unlock the little boy from the pain and hurt and go through it all over again to work through it and finally be whole. Something was wrong deep inside, I just didn't know what it was.
See it took me ruining a good thing for my heart to become completely rock solid. Normally this is it, a hardened, petrified heart has no use for anyone. These are the Ebenezer Scrooges that can't find joy or love or happiness in anything. They spend their whole lives focused on themselves and caring about no one else, bitter, angry - that's exactly where I was. I secluded myself from everyone and wanted nothing to do with anyone. When someone would call cause they needed help the call would ring off to voicemail where a message would be left that would most likely not be returned. I stayed awake, not doing anything - I would often just lay in my bed. I would go to work, do my job and go home. I reached out to people a couple of times, but they weren't there for me, God didn't want them to be - cause I needed to turn to Him. Then one day - I broke. I prayed, I sought God, I let the little boy out and something incredible happened. God started working in me. It was like Christ finally had that spot in my heart that He was waiting for me to open up - and He ran with it. I noticed a change in my mood, my outlook - I wanted to be around other people, I wanted to be there for them again - my heart softened.
There I sat across from my friend, telling me how his marriage is doing well on the surface yet it is struggling at its core and that he is struggling with who he is at his core. I've heard this story before - not the exact same one, but I've lived one just like it. "I know exactly what you mean.", I said. "Let me tell you what happened."
People always come to me with their problems, lately I've had a friend that has been struggling in his marriage coming to me frequently - why me? I don't know. If I were him I'd take a step back and think "Man, this guy is like six years older than me, single and blew a great relationship - why on earth would I seek relationship advice from him?" yet he and others often do. I used to embrace it, I would invite them over or go meet them and talk about it and give them advice - anytime a friend was a need I was there. Several months ago it started to bug me, I didn't want anything to do with anyone - I was incredibly critical and was struggling so much with my own demons that I couldn't wrap my mind around why anyone would want to get advice from me, or talk to me about their problems - I was swimming in my own. I shut down. I closed myself off to everyone. I became cold and hard. In essence my transformation was complete, I had spend so much time being cold to those that loved me most that my heart finally petrified, it became useless even to me.
There's a C.S. Lewis quote that I've always loved, it describes vulnerability perfectly. See the truth is that only when you're vulnerable can you truly love, at the same time that is when you can be hurt the most - let me let him say is:
"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable."
See, I embraced this quote - I made it my own and claimed that this is how I live, but deep down there was part of me that I let no one in on - not even those closest to me. I was hurt when I was a kid, not physically - but emotionally I was hurt. I took that little boy that had been hurt and I put him somewhere safe in my heart - somewhere that no one could ever hurt him again. I thought I was doing the right thing. I thought I was being safe. The truth is that I was doing much more damage than I ever could have thought, cause by locking that little boy away like that I wasn't protecting him - I was preserving him. I was trapping him in that pain and that hurt and not allowing him to heal. The worst part was that I could either spend my life ignoring that and never fully being vulnerable to someone, or unlock the little boy from the pain and hurt and go through it all over again to work through it and finally be whole. Something was wrong deep inside, I just didn't know what it was.
See it took me ruining a good thing for my heart to become completely rock solid. Normally this is it, a hardened, petrified heart has no use for anyone. These are the Ebenezer Scrooges that can't find joy or love or happiness in anything. They spend their whole lives focused on themselves and caring about no one else, bitter, angry - that's exactly where I was. I secluded myself from everyone and wanted nothing to do with anyone. When someone would call cause they needed help the call would ring off to voicemail where a message would be left that would most likely not be returned. I stayed awake, not doing anything - I would often just lay in my bed. I would go to work, do my job and go home. I reached out to people a couple of times, but they weren't there for me, God didn't want them to be - cause I needed to turn to Him. Then one day - I broke. I prayed, I sought God, I let the little boy out and something incredible happened. God started working in me. It was like Christ finally had that spot in my heart that He was waiting for me to open up - and He ran with it. I noticed a change in my mood, my outlook - I wanted to be around other people, I wanted to be there for them again - my heart softened.
There I sat across from my friend, telling me how his marriage is doing well on the surface yet it is struggling at its core and that he is struggling with who he is at his core. I've heard this story before - not the exact same one, but I've lived one just like it. "I know exactly what you mean.", I said. "Let me tell you what happened."
Monday, December 12, 2011
As it Stands.
Everything I have in mindIt begins to fade away,
I searched for it and I longed for it
And now I know it's gone
Everything has slipped away.
And I'm so overwhelmed
Everything that rests upon my shoulders fell
I would like to tell anyone who has depended on me for themselves,
I'm sorry.
And everyone I've held in my arms
I believe I've pushed away,
I would be there if I could be there
But as it stands, I'm gone
Everyone has slipped away.
Don't be overwhelmed
Everyone that loved me more than I could tell,
I'm sorry.
There's a private hell for anyone who lives to only love themselves.
Everyone has slipped away,
Everyone has slipped away,
Everyone has slipped away,
Everything has slipped away.
Everyone has slipped away,
Everything has slipped away.
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Christmas.
So today I went to Target to do some Christmas shopping. As I was walking around doing my best to stay in step with the subliminal SPEND MORE MONEY Christmas music I couldn't help but notice all of the incredibly happy, smiling faces surrounding me. Okay, so there were no smiling faces - actually as I walked past the plethora of Christmas decorations and that wonderful little machine that has about fifty different Christmas albums that you can choose from for your listening pleasure I watched no less that seven women pushing shopping carts with the the most incredible look of hatred completely saturating their faces, at this moment it became brutally clear to me how completely consumed we have all become with this "season".
I hate Christmas. I know, I know - hate is a strong word, but to be completely honest I think it is completely applicable for this situation. While I could easily go through all of the historical and biblical inaccuracies with "Christmas" (wrong time of year, moved to replace a pagan winter festival) my biggest issue with it is the strong (understatement) commercialization of a holiday that is (meant) to celebrate the birth of our Savior.
As I watched these women walking around with this look on their face as if their souls had literally been sucked out of them it pulled me down. I was at Target checking out the prices for a "Wii". My Mom has wanted one for years and I want to get he something that will really make her happy. At the moment I saw these women and realized why I was there it really bummed me out. I'm not materialistic at all, I often tell people "If you must get me a present just grab the first thing that you see and makes you think 'Man, Eric would like this.', that'll stoke me out" - but I know that not everyone is like that - most people aren't like that. I know that my Mom won't be happy with a mediocre Christmas present, I've experienced her outrage when I get her something from my heart instead of something from her list. That is what society has taught us, and we've gobbled it up.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to knock my mom or anyone like her - She has given and given and given for years and I think she fully deserves to receive for once, but when it comes down to it the focus for this season is dripping with commercialism and it's hard to find Jesus anywhere. I know we hear this every year but the truth is that for most of us, it never sinks in.
Lately I've been having some crazy thoughts, I know once I write them and you read them they won't sound crazy at all - but if you were to post these things in a mall, people would just laugh at them. What if we were to take all of the money we spend on Christmas ($700 per person is the average) and give it to a charity? I mean I hear of charities that can easily feed 100 children for a full month for only $100 - for $700 dollars you could feed several villages of adults and children for a full month. If twelve of us got together we could feed several villages for a full year! There are 245MILLION257THOUSAND292 adults in the US today. In a world where some can't even afford to keep themselves hydrated we spend $171,687,104,400 on Christmas presents alone in the US. That's more than 245.26 times THE ENTIRE POPULATION OF THE WORLD! That said, if we were to ALL donate our "Christmas" money to feeding the needy FOR ONE YEAR we could easily feed the ENTIRE WORLD POPULATION OF 2011 FOR 20 years and then through May of the 21st year.
Yes, that is all crazy talk - I digress.
Cause no matter how much anyone says about how incredibly corrupt this holiday has become or how easily we have taken the focus off of Jesus - we will all (including myself out shopping for a Wii) continue to perpetuate the problem. Change is an option, I only hope that my future wife and I am strong enough to live it and I hope the same for you as well.
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Is talk cheap?
Talk is cheap. You hear it all the time, I guess that's why you hear it so much - cause if it had value to it like, say ... time (or so they say), then people would probably save it. While I do believe that actions speak profoundly louder than words, I feel as if we live in a society where talk is abused so much we start to forget how much power it really holds.
When I was growing up I would often hear the saying "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me." I even said it a few times, the truth though was that words did hurt - they still do, probably more than a stick or a stone ever could.
Now when I sit and think about the negative power of words and how forgetful I have become of how it feels to have someone speaking to you not out of love, I can't help but think about the power of positive words in the opposite direction. What if I spent a little more time encouraging those around me and sitting down and talking with someone that's going through a rough time? What kind of power is in that?
I recently had a patient tell me that she was bored and lonely, I had asked her if there was anything I could do for her and she told me that if there was a drug I could give her to help with her boredom and loneliness she would gladly accept it, I told her I'd be back in two minutes. When I came back I didn't have any medicine, but I had a chair and a 30 minute break, exactly what she needed. Over the next couple of weeks I would come in early and stay late talking with her, she was in her 80s so we would talk about her youth and her love for dancing and plants and then when I brought her a plant she started crying. There's power in listening too. A few days later she went home, not to be with the Lord - but to be with her daughters, and the physician came up to me to thank me. Now in full disclosure the main reason I started spending time with her was to get away from my Charge Nurse trying to find busy work for me at the end of my shift, but what this doctor said really opened my eyes - "We were sure she was going to have to go to a rehabilitation facility because she wasn't thriving here, but once you starting talking to her something changed, she became more active - she said she wanted to get healthy so she could dance again cause you said you'd take her dancing if she was able. Your words and time turned this lady's prognosis completely around." This blew my mind.
I don't know how or why I became so cynical or aggressive or negative, but if my positive words were able to have that big of an effect I can only imagine what my negative words did, and I want to be proactive in the positive now.
When I was growing up I would often hear the saying "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me." I even said it a few times, the truth though was that words did hurt - they still do, probably more than a stick or a stone ever could.
Now when I sit and think about the negative power of words and how forgetful I have become of how it feels to have someone speaking to you not out of love, I can't help but think about the power of positive words in the opposite direction. What if I spent a little more time encouraging those around me and sitting down and talking with someone that's going through a rough time? What kind of power is in that?
I recently had a patient tell me that she was bored and lonely, I had asked her if there was anything I could do for her and she told me that if there was a drug I could give her to help with her boredom and loneliness she would gladly accept it, I told her I'd be back in two minutes. When I came back I didn't have any medicine, but I had a chair and a 30 minute break, exactly what she needed. Over the next couple of weeks I would come in early and stay late talking with her, she was in her 80s so we would talk about her youth and her love for dancing and plants and then when I brought her a plant she started crying. There's power in listening too. A few days later she went home, not to be with the Lord - but to be with her daughters, and the physician came up to me to thank me. Now in full disclosure the main reason I started spending time with her was to get away from my Charge Nurse trying to find busy work for me at the end of my shift, but what this doctor said really opened my eyes - "We were sure she was going to have to go to a rehabilitation facility because she wasn't thriving here, but once you starting talking to her something changed, she became more active - she said she wanted to get healthy so she could dance again cause you said you'd take her dancing if she was able. Your words and time turned this lady's prognosis completely around." This blew my mind.
I don't know how or why I became so cynical or aggressive or negative, but if my positive words were able to have that big of an effect I can only imagine what my negative words did, and I want to be proactive in the positive now.
Monday, December 5, 2011
Awake
You know how people wake up from nightmares in the movies where the sit up straight, sweaty, gasping for air? That's how I woke up the other night only it wasn't waking up from a nightmare but into one. Okay, I don't mean to sound dramatic or emo - so let me explain.
When I woke up the other night I had that feeling of reality slapping me in the face, it was as if everything I've been fooling myself into believing for the past year or so, maybe even more was finally fully revealed by the light. Somewhere along the line I started to believe that I was good enough, that I was strong enough to do it on my own, that I didn't need anyone else to tell me how to live my life. Unfortunately, I had someone trying to give me good advice all along and I was much too prideful to listen to it. Almost instinctively I grabbed my phone and texted this person, "Are you awake?" - I guess I just wanted to say thank you for always telling me I should maintain a better sleeping pattern, something I have come to realize lately while my lack of sleep has caused me to become a person and act in ways that's just flat out scary. I guess I also wanted to say thank you for always encouraging me to grow more and more in my faith. Somewhere along the line I felt like I was satisfied with where I was and I'm only now coming to realize how far away I am from where I was - I need to get back to that. I guess there were just a million things about which I wanted to say "You were right, and I wish I would have seen that sooner", not because it would have changed anything between us but because I can only imagine where I would be now had I listened. The truth though is that I probably would have had no idea how to put any of it into words - to be honest I still don't, as I proof-read what I've already written it seems like a jumbled mess of confusion.
The problem has been that I keep realizing things and then going "Man, that sucks - I wish I could change this" and then I do nothing or trying to take it all into my own hands and "fix" things. The sad part is that that's not me, I've always been very pro-active and forward moving, seeking God and relying on Him where he wants me to - I need to harness that again. It's not something I can do on my own and it's not something that anyone here can help me with, but God can and He wants to - and I finally want Him to.
When I woke up the other night I had that feeling of reality slapping me in the face, it was as if everything I've been fooling myself into believing for the past year or so, maybe even more was finally fully revealed by the light. Somewhere along the line I started to believe that I was good enough, that I was strong enough to do it on my own, that I didn't need anyone else to tell me how to live my life. Unfortunately, I had someone trying to give me good advice all along and I was much too prideful to listen to it. Almost instinctively I grabbed my phone and texted this person, "Are you awake?" - I guess I just wanted to say thank you for always telling me I should maintain a better sleeping pattern, something I have come to realize lately while my lack of sleep has caused me to become a person and act in ways that's just flat out scary. I guess I also wanted to say thank you for always encouraging me to grow more and more in my faith. Somewhere along the line I felt like I was satisfied with where I was and I'm only now coming to realize how far away I am from where I was - I need to get back to that. I guess there were just a million things about which I wanted to say "You were right, and I wish I would have seen that sooner", not because it would have changed anything between us but because I can only imagine where I would be now had I listened. The truth though is that I probably would have had no idea how to put any of it into words - to be honest I still don't, as I proof-read what I've already written it seems like a jumbled mess of confusion.
The problem has been that I keep realizing things and then going "Man, that sucks - I wish I could change this" and then I do nothing or trying to take it all into my own hands and "fix" things. The sad part is that that's not me, I've always been very pro-active and forward moving, seeking God and relying on Him where he wants me to - I need to harness that again. It's not something I can do on my own and it's not something that anyone here can help me with, but God can and He wants to - and I finally want Him to.
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