Set it free.

I'm sure we've all heard the saying "If you love something, set it free - If it comes back, it's yours - if it doesn't, it never was yours." While it is a lovely saying, I never truly understood the meaning of it until today.


For about the past year I haven't had a single night of good, healthy sleep. I get anxious, restless, I just lie there and stare at the ceiling - my mind spins and floods with thoughts, and instead of sleeping I just drown in them. I didn't used to be like this, I used to sleep - I used to sleep well, all of the time. So what happened?


About a year ago I made a decision to let someone go, it wasn't easy and I didn't want to - but it is what I did. There was a struggle but I knew there was a deeper issue and ultimately I came to the conclusion that at this time in her life she needed the ability to write her life with a clean slate, I didn't want her to feel pressured to stay with me when she had such a promising future and mostly - ten years down the road I didn't want her to regret the decisions she made because I was part of the equation. I'd hoped that ultimately when she was rewriting her life that I would be part of it, that she would realize that the decision I made was because I wanted her to be happy most of all - I loved her, so I set her free - and away she flew.


I have this iPod, on the back it has engraving that says "Love ___, aka ___, aka fancypants, aka yours." There aren't really blanks but I don't see a reason to leave any identifying information about her on here - today I grabbed my iPod to put on some Red Hot Chili Peppers cause, come on - whats better than cruising with the windows down, blasting the Chili Peppers in California Summer weather? Anyway, I dropped it and when I picked it up I saw the engraving on the back and thought of the quote I started this with - she never was mine. I ran into someone today that gave me some information that while it should be shocking, it honestly wasn't - but I came to realize that her heart had wandered from me far before I set her free, but learning this has done something to me - it has set me free.


See, I have a lot of love to give and I've been hung up on this for almost a year now - "I loved her and I did what I thought was best for us in the long run - but she just took off" and it hurt. I've spent the better part of the past year trying to figure out what I did wrong - even to the point of blaming myself and accusing myself of stuff that wasn't true, I became foolish - I became a shell of the man I used to be, because of a lie.


I know I often write encouraging things, faithful things - but the truth is, for about the last year I haven't been able to. I've tried, but I haven't been able to because of this huge burden resting on my shoulders - but I know now that God is preparing me for something great. I start a new job in a week that will provide me with the financial ability to serve in ways I could have only imagined a year ago, and now I have this burden lifted off of my shoulders - I see Him being able to work through me without resistance or friction from my burdens. I'm stoked.


One thing I'm really stoked about is that tonight I will get the best night of sleep I've had in a long time, and tomorrow I will be fully rested, and alive in a way I've truly missed.