Awake

You know how people wake up from nightmares in the movies where the sit up straight, sweaty, gasping for air? That's how I woke up the other night only it wasn't waking up from a nightmare but into one. Okay, I don't mean to sound dramatic or emo - so let me explain.

When I woke up the other night I had that feeling of reality slapping me in the face, it was as if everything I've been fooling myself into believing for the past year or so, maybe even more was finally fully revealed by the light. Somewhere along the line I started to believe that I was good enough, that I was strong enough to do it on my own, that I didn't need anyone else to tell me how to live my life. Unfortunately, I had someone trying to give me good advice all along and I was much too prideful to listen to it. Almost instinctively I grabbed my phone and texted this person, "Are you awake?" - I guess I just wanted to say thank you for always telling me I should maintain a better sleeping pattern, something I have come to realize lately while my lack of sleep has caused me to become a person and act in ways that's just flat out scary. I guess I also wanted to say thank you for always encouraging me to grow more and more in my faith. Somewhere along the line I felt like I was satisfied with where I was and I'm only now coming to realize how far away I am from where I was - I need to get back to that. I guess there were just a million things about which I wanted to say "You were right, and I wish I would have seen that sooner", not because it would have changed anything between us but because I can only imagine where I would be now had I listened. The truth though is that I probably would have had no idea how to put any of it into words - to be honest I still don't, as I proof-read what I've already written it seems like a jumbled mess of confusion.

The problem has been that I keep realizing things and then going "Man, that sucks - I wish I could change this" and then I do nothing or trying to take it all into my own hands and "fix" things. The sad part is that that's not me, I've always been very pro-active and forward moving, seeking God and relying on Him where he wants me to - I need to harness that again. It's not something I can do on my own and it's not something that anyone here can help me with, but God can and He wants to - and I finally want Him to.