The Little Boy

"Something's wrong man, I can't explain it but something's wrong." my friend says as he sits across from me at a crappy overhyped coffee shop. He's wearing basketball shorts, a basketball jersey and some soccer sandals. His beard is rough like he's been stuck on a deserted island for months and didn't have time to shave and he slowly glides his fingers through the hairs as if the answers are hidden somewhere underneath. "What do you mean?", I say as if I have no idea what he's talking about - yet truthfully I've been there, I know - I know exactly how he feels.

People always come to me with their problems, lately I've had a friend that has been struggling in his marriage coming to me frequently - why me? I don't know. If I were him I'd take a step back and think "Man, this guy is like six years older than me, single and blew a great relationship - why on earth would I seek relationship advice from him?" yet he and others often do. I used to embrace it, I would invite them over or go meet them and talk about it and give them advice - anytime a friend was a need I was there. Several months ago it started to bug me, I didn't want anything to do with anyone - I was incredibly critical and was struggling so much with my own demons that I couldn't wrap my mind around why anyone would want to get advice from me, or talk to me about their problems - I was swimming in my own. I shut down. I closed myself off to everyone. I became cold and hard. In essence my transformation was complete, I had spend so much time being cold to those that loved me most that my heart finally petrified, it became useless even to me.

There's a C.S. Lewis quote that I've always loved, it describes vulnerability perfectly. See the truth is that only when you're vulnerable can you truly love, at the same time that is when you can be hurt the most - let me let him say is:

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable."

See, I embraced this quote - I made it my own and claimed that this is how I live, but deep down there was part of me that I let no one in on - not even those closest to me. I was hurt when I was a kid, not physically - but emotionally I was hurt. I took that little boy that had been hurt and I put him somewhere safe in my heart - somewhere that no one could ever hurt him again. I thought I was doing the right thing. I thought I was being safe. The truth is that I was doing much more damage than I ever could have thought, cause by locking that little boy away like that I wasn't protecting him - I was preserving him. I was trapping him in that pain and that hurt and not allowing him to heal. The worst part was that I could either spend my life ignoring that and never fully being vulnerable to someone, or unlock the little boy from the pain and hurt and go through it all over again to work through it and finally be whole. Something was wrong deep inside, I just didn't know what it was.

See it took me ruining a good thing for my heart to become completely rock solid. Normally this is it, a hardened, petrified heart has no use for anyone. These are the Ebenezer Scrooges that can't find joy or love or happiness in anything. They spend their whole lives focused on themselves and caring about no one else, bitter, angry - that's exactly where I was. I secluded myself from everyone and wanted nothing to do with anyone. When someone would call cause they needed help the call would ring off to voicemail where a message would be left that would most likely not be returned. I stayed awake, not doing anything - I would often just lay in my bed. I would go to work, do my job and go home. I reached out to people a couple of times, but they weren't there for me, God didn't want them to be - cause I needed to turn to Him. Then one day - I broke. I prayed, I sought God, I let the little boy out and something incredible happened. God started working in me. It was like Christ finally had that spot in my heart that He was waiting for me to open up - and He ran with it. I noticed a change in my mood, my outlook - I wanted to be around other people, I wanted to be there for them again - my heart softened.

There I sat across from my friend, telling me how his marriage is doing well on the surface yet it is struggling at its core and that he is struggling with who he is at his core. I've heard this story before - not the exact same one, but I've lived one just like it. "I know exactly what you mean.", I said. "Let me tell you what happened."